tinyurl.com/ku2mp -> www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2006/08/bruce_schneier.html
August 16, 2006 12:33 PM I'll spoil the fun and post the full list: If Bruce Schneier wants your plaintext, he'll just squeeze it out of the ciphertext using his barehands Bruce Schneier got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of Bruce Schneier Bruce Schneier can conduct secure multiparty computation... on his own Bruce Schneier mounts side-channel attacks through the front channel Bruce Schneier's discrete logarithms are uncountable and continuous Bruce Schneier always inhabits the soundness of error margin of your zero-knowledge crypto protocol When Bruce Schneier pre-computes S-box tables, he does it dynamically from the key... Bruce Schneier can determine the exact location and velocity of any particle that's being used by quantum cryptography. Quantum cryptography exchanged the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle for the Schneier Dead Moral Certainty Principle when Bruce Schneier came to town. A mystery wrapped in an Enigma is no more puzzling to Bruce Schneier than a mystery wrapped in ROT-13. As Bruce Schneier says there is no Oscar for security theatre. Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes. Bruce Schneier's online purchases are so secure, his shopping cart is an M-1 tank. Bruce Schneier doesn't need steganography to hide data in innocent-looking files. Bruce Schneier can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it in the eye Bruce Schneier can solve NP-Complete problems in NlogN time. "When I wake up in the morning I piss cryptographic excellence." Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it. If you use the digits of Pi to generate a visual image, it draws a picture of Bruce Schneier. The universe was created to serve as Bruce Schneier's crib text. Bruce Schneier's public and private keys are known as "Law" and "Order." When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos. Bruce Schneier once found the inverse of a trapdoor function counting only on the fingers of one hand A vigenere cipher with the Key "BRUCESCHNEIER" is in fact unbreakable. Bruce Schneier fully discloses his own vulnerabilities: none. Bruce Schneier's Twofish algorithm has 16 rounds, but he always gets a knockout in the first. The nuclear launch codes held by the President of the United States are secured by an unbreakable system: a plain brown envelope with a picture of Bruce Schneier on the flap. Bruce Schneier was only allowed to view the Kryptos sculpture at Langley for 1 second, in order not to spoil the fun other cryptographers. Bruce Schneier doesn't have a chin under his beard -- just more ciphertext. If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier. In a fight between Ron Rivest and Adi Shamir, the winner would be Bruce Schneier. The output of Bruce Schneier's pseudorandom generator follows no describable pattern and cannot be compressed. There is only another pseudorandom number generator and he's gonna use it to encrypt your face. When Bruce Schneier does modulo arithmetic, there are no remainders. It has recently been discovered that every possible hashing algorithm produces the same value for the phrase "Bruce Schneier" -- Bruce Schneier. Bruce Schneier once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire, a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon. Every time Bruce Schneier smiles, an amateur cryptographer dies. Geologists recently discovered that "earthquakes" are nothing more than Bruce Schneier and Chuck Norris communicating via a roundhouse kick-based cryptosystem. Sweeping NSA reforms will soon require all employees to grow a Bruce Schneier beard. Bruce Schneier mounts chosen-ciphertext attacks without choosing the ciphertext As initialization vectors, 'Bruce Schneier' and 'Chuck Norris' are interchangeable. When Bruce Schneier uses double ROT13 encryption, the ciphertext is totally unbreakable. The final Beale Cipher, written 175 years ago, detailing the rightful owners of a cache of gold, has just two words in its plaintext: Bruce Schneier. Autographed copies of "Applied Cryptography" reguarly sell for twice the going rate for enigma machines on eBay Bruce Schneier sneers and solves Godel's incompleteness theorems. When Bruce Schneier clicks "Random Fact" the outcome is never random. Humboldt squids have sensors capable of detecting clothing worn by Bruce Schneier at 800 yards - to trigger their flight response. Beyond computational complexity, there is Schneiertational complexity Bruce Schneier can straighten out an elliptic curve with nothing but his teeth Bruce Schneier makes abstract algebra look like elementary algebra.
August 16, 2006 01:02 PM my favorite is Humboldt squids have sensors capable of detecting clothing worn by Bruce Schneier at 800 yards - to trigger their flight response.
August 16, 2006 01:06 PM I thought I had done a decent job with "Ed Hoculi Facts" (the ultra-muscular NFL referee). The best I can come up with is: "Beyond Fear is Bruce Schneier" I stand in awe of the accuracy with which these replicate the spirit of the "Chuck Norris Facts."
August 16, 2006 01:10 PM My favorite: "Most people use passwords. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes."
August 16, 2006 01:24 PM My favorite so far: "Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it."
August 16, 2006 01:30 PM I liked the "facts" site, but it's a bit too attention starved fanboy for my taste. It does occur to me that these "facts" are more than a little too geeky to explain to my wife if I want to avoid extended celibacy. A couple of comments on the facts I saw in TFA: "Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it". I suppose it could be done by calculating a one-time-pad against the random text to generate the article, but we all know how much he hates Crypto using one-time-pads, he might then have to put himself into his own doghouse. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes." Even with variations for typesetting, the key-space is just way too limited and the likelihood of a typo in a pass-phrase that long is too high. I doubt that Bruce cares enough about his data security to implement a "strong" authentication solution. I would think he would implement a "reasonable, plus a bit more" solution. He would be the first to point out that having a uber secure, personally held cryptographic key signing token that's unlocked by a pass-number and biometric authentication is pretty pointless on a Windows Laptop connected to the Internet with a software firewall. Since there are so many easier ways to attack it than reversing the crypto its inefficient to increase the one thing that probably strong, better to try and secure it across the board. Such a token solution would just be security theatre and if we're doing theatre darn it, we should have music and dancing girls.
August 16, 2006 01:33 PM "Bruce Schneier once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire, a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon."
August 16, 2006 02:52 PM For the other Brits hanging out here: Am I the only one who kept on thinking of Jeremy Clarkeson's haiku-like comments about The Stig, on Top Gear, when reading the Schneierfacts page? Once I'd got over my shock at the idea of Clarkeson and co reviewing crypto, it was almost as funny as some of the Schneierfacts.
August 16, 2006 03:02 PM It is a well-known fact among securty folk that there is no such thing as a DDoS attack; there are only Internet users trying to download Cryptogram at the same time.
August 16, 2006 03:03 PM The most commonly-used shellcode string in all exploits since 1989 is not the machine code for /bin/sh, i...
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