www.banterist.com/archivefiles/000212.html
Poland Dispatch: New Year's Eve In The Village From New York, a weblog of original humor by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.
jpg Next to the infamous Squat-hole toilets of Asia and southern France, the German Poo-Shelf Toilet is undoubtedly one of the least pleasant methods of waste removal - assuming you're like most folks and don't feel the need to get to know your waste. It finds itself here in western Poland because this region was once part of Germany until the Germans got all riled up and tried to take over the world. They're better now, but the legacy of their doody-tech remains. The Poo-Shelf comes from a period in German history when Germans were less interested in world domination and apparently more interested in spending quality time with their feces. That, or they were prone to accidentally eating their wedding rings and needed a toilet that allowed them to conveniently rummage through their dung before dispatching it to the abyss. Those must have been fascinating times and I'm quite glad I wasn't born in them. Perhaps they're quite rare and I was simply lucky to stumble upon such a specimen. All I know is that upon encountering the German Poo-Shelf Toilet, one is forced to solemnly contemplate the reason such a horrible mechanism exists, and what demon designed such a thing. Rather than whisking your waste away, the GPST simply lets it sit there, mere centimeters from your rump, so that you might think about the brief time you had together. When you're done reminiscing - or when the odor of a pile of poop begins to negatively affect the ambiance of your bathroom - you simply pull up on the flushing mechanism to send your creation on to the Great Beyond. However, if the flushing mechanism doesn't work - well, you're on your own with a shelf full of poo and a toilet designed so as to render the plunger useless. It should also be noted that any gentleman who chooses to stand up and use the German Poo-Shelf Toilet for the purpose of bladder-emptying can be expected to enjoy as much splash-back as one might get from say, peeing on a coffee table. The toilet, in all aspects aside from cigarette butt and chewing gum disposal, is utterly useless. Those who believe in intelligent life in outer space often say that any culture advanced enough to achieve space travel would probably not make themselves known to us until we too have reached a certain level of civilization. I take that to mean the elimination of war, and every German Poo Shelf toilet currently in existence. Although stopping warfare is a tall order at the moment, I encourage every able-bodied soul to grab a sledgehammer, get to Germany, and start swinging.
cgi/202 It appears that the Banterist has been doing some traveling: Next to the infamous Squat-hole toilets of Asia and southern France, the German Poo-Shelf Toilet is undoubtedly one of the least pleasant methods of waste removal - assuming you're...
I haven't quite gone through this site yet, but one line jumped out at me as pretty funny: The Poo-Shelf comes from a period in German history when Germans were less interested in world domination and apparently more interested in spending quality ti...
HOW TO MAKE FABULOUS NON-SEQUITURS LIKE A REAL MSM JOURNALIST WHERE ARE THE HUMAN SHIELDS WHEN YOU NEED THEM? THE GERMAN POO-SHELF TOILET, THE ANTI-BIDET HOW TO HAVE FUN IN CHINA --------...
Firstly, this update comes from a whiny pommish tourist, currently living in Australia: Thanks for making me laugh this morning, your toilet piece had me in stiches.
January 4, 2005 11:25 AM I thought the GPST was a purely germanic treat until I encountered it all across East Central Europe. After a number of encounters I came to calling it simply the "poop n view." I'm still trying to figure out a shorter name for the "don't touch that handle or a stream of icy cold water will shoot straight at your bung hole; use the OTHER handle" toilet I've found in Bosnia and Turkey.
January 4, 2005 1:16 PM The German Poo Shelf Toilet isn't a Polish anomaly. My Dutch ex-girlfriend had one in her house in Dordrecht, Holland, and if anything you're understating how incredibly DISGUSTING those things are. You forgot, for instance, to mention the *sound* that one's fecal waste makes as it hits the shelf. That horrible *plopping sound,* amplified and altered by the shape and consistency of the bowl to give what should have been a sodden *plop* the faintest hint of a metallic *tung* sound.
January 4, 2005 10:48 PM The worst part is when -- and not to get too graphic here -- you have a lot you want to ... If you're dealing with a Poo Shelf featuring less-than-robust water pressure, you end up with an unmovable mass, one that simply sits on the shelf, silently mocking you.
January 13, 2005 2:46 AM I sent a link describing the poop-shelf technology to a friend in Berlin last year, inquiring as to the possible reason for this phenomenon. His reply: --- The question of the toilet is VERY EASY to anwer. As practically every German is health-insured, we tend to go to the doctor (as recommended) at least every two years for a throrough (and practcally cost-free) check-up. For that, you will have to bring some of your, er, feces in a specialized container the doctor will give you. So how do you get at your, er, sausage if it is swimming in water? So a light ochre means liver trouble of some kind and so forth.
January 23, 2005 5:49 AM I have not seen these but have seen the squat holes in korea... I can tell you though that this reminds me of leaving someone an "upper-decker". usually done to people you don't like, you drop your leavings in the tank of the toilet.. that way the place stinks for days before someone figures it out.
January 28, 2005 9:39 AM Typical "German" toilets are called "Hochspler" ("high flush") while their international counterparts are named "Tiefspler" ("low flush"). So when you build a house here in Germany, you normally have the choice for one of these two types.
March 8, 2005 7:55 PM Ok, as a German living in the United States I have had discussions about this topic before. I think our German toilets are masterpices of engineering design in terms of health and safety! I find it difficult to use public toilets, because of my fear of other people's leftovers splashing agains my butthole. Putting ridiculous amounts of toiletpaper down to avoid the splash of death usually results in a clogged toiled, which, for a true German, is too unorderly to leave behind. The only remedy is dilution by flushing the toilet 5 times before you use it, which, again, goes against my German nature because it wastes water and destroys the World in general.
March 23, 2005 5:01 PM This picture up there looks like an old East-German Toilet, specially because of its brown color. I had one like that till 2002 and those things are awesome. No doubt I'm in the US right now and had this discussion before, too. I think its nice because you can see what you have done and no butthole splashes which are always cold...
April 19, 2005 6:24 PM I have one of these babies at home, and i live in West Germany. Since on the subject of bathrooms, what about carpeted bathrooms in the US and the UK?
And that does not have to do with those toilets being "American", but simply with the type of toilet, as someone called it correctly earlier: "Tiefspueler". If I come across one of those in Germany I feel exactly the same.
August 21, 2005 5:02 PM After this cross-cultural back-and-forth I, as an American who lived briefly in Germany, must offer my two cents. No one has mentioned the most hazardous of pitfalls the GPST represent (and oddly enough, "poop-shelf" is exactly what we had dubbed it)... Any true American uses copious wads of toilet paper (the stuff does grow on trees after all) to assure full cleanliness, much in the same way we became objects of ridicule for showering daily. As you can imagine, with a steaming pile a mere 4 inches (10 cm) from your buttocks, there isn't a lot of room to stack, despite every fiber of your being telling you to cover that reeking mess up. One is left with the choice of stacking, and then r...
|
http://csua.com/feed/