www.csua.org/u/kzd -> blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/03/07/share-the-housework-and-have-a-happier-marriage/
SEE ALL POSTS FROM THIS BLOG | March 7, 2008, 9:29 am Share the Housework and Have a Happier Marriage? jpg iStockphoto What motivates a husband to do more chores around the house?
Associated Press article suggests there may be -- ahem -- physical rewards as well. The article cites a study that found men's contribution to housework had doubled over the past four decades, and goes on to quote psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of "The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework," who says that equitable sharing of housework can lead to a happier marriage and more frequent sex. Mr Coleman says that if the man does more chores, "it looks to the woman like he really cares about her he's not treating her like a servant."
But according to the study cited in Thursday's AP article, families where both parents work are ahead of the curve: The "movement toward sharing has been especially significant for full-time dual-earner couples," the report says. Does this mean working couples, who may be more likely to share household chores, are more likely to have more frequent sex?
com The movement toward sharing has been especially significant for full-time dual-earner couples. If one spouse stays at home, they should do the bulk of the chores.
When the man realises that he REALLY has to pull his finger out and help round the house, it is, in my experience, because his wife is far too exhausted for sex!
For example, my husband has a much higher tolerance for clutter and mess than I do, hence even though we both work full time, I tend to do more around the house because the clutter and mess bothers me more. As long as we are both actively involved in the running of the household, that's fine with me. I don't keep as close a watch on the outside stuff as he does, so he tends to the lawn, house maintenance, etc.
Maybe if a wife is feeling really resentful or exhausted, and his pitching in eased that, then it might help. Even so, I think it would be a pretty minimal boast -- if he took on 7 more hours a week of chores, that would still only give his wife one more hour of rest a night. But I don't think most couples make that substantial a change. A caring and flexible husband is wonderful, but confidence and competence do more for me.
But here is something I notice a lot - we both take good care of ourselves to remain physically attractive to each other. Just like a man with a vacuum shows the woman he cares about her, taking care of health, weight, etc shows your partner you care too. And I don't mean the woman has to look 20 years old again - I mean guys - lose the beer belly and do a sit up every now and then, shave on the weekend, and women - watch the weight, once in a while dress in something other than my old sweatshirt, etc. All of these combined show you care about yourself, as well as your spouse.
Dishes in the sink drive my fiance nuts, so he does them, I clean the bathroom and vacuum and do the laundry as that is what gets on my nerves- so for right now it works and everyone is happy.
If a spouse is doing all of the sharing possible and reasonable and there is still no "physical appreciation," then there might be something more fundamentally wrong with the union.
To divorce your otherwise loving and wonderful husband, leaving you to care for your baby (and the house) completely alone and on one salary? To have the same argument every few days for years on end? The housework thing is pretty much the only major problem we have as a couple. It's totally unfair and can really be upsetting, but in the grand scheme of things, I've decided it's one of those flaws that I can live with.
My DH definitely helps around the house, although there are times I'd love more - for instance, I have new window treatments for our daughter's room that I've asked him to put up for months now. With his new job, and commute into NYC, I'm handling a lot more, but if he gets home in time, he'll put our daughter to bed so I can get on the treadmill a bit earlier. He used to do his own laundry, but now I've started doing everyone's because its no different, really. I'm happier when he's more helpful, and able to help, because then I don't feel like the world is going to cave in if I miss something. However, if he puts our daughter to bed, I don't mind cleaning up the kitchen at all. I try to take care of myself (I started RUNNING for pete's sake in the last several months). I think that is fatigue related with him - I could "appreciate" him half asleep - I'm weird that way b/c I have never been too tired to, you know.
The alternative to dealing with some flaws, such as a lazy a** husband like mine, is not very attractive - divorce and raising my son on my own on one salary in a HCOL area. I don't take it silently - I do let him know that he should do more, but the clutter & mess just does not bother him. When I married him, I knew how messy he was, so I can't expect him to turn into a toally different person overnight. It is frustrating, yes, but I knew how he was when I married him, right? I get soooo freakin' mad on some days and I let him know it. He'll then get up and try to do a few things, but it's just not in him. If you've got a game plan that won't lead to fussing, fighting and screaming (which we don't do now), let me know what it is. He is helpful in other ways so I try to get over this flaw.
Sure, the house looked great, but we were exhausted and smelled vaguely of floor cleaner. So we had a better plan - we leave the house a dump and crack open a bottle of wine.
I actually do most of the housework chores and taking care of the baby. But he is great in other ways which he thinks are "more important." Needless to say, I've tried telling him how housework is important to me, but he doesn't get it. We don't have the luxury of having someone clean for us. "You're better at cleaning up and taking care of the baby." The "higher tolerance" in my opinion is just willful blindness.
That said, in general, I'm very happy that we have an even split but frankly, I wouldn't put up with it any other way and he figured this out pretty quickly. If I was a SAHW/M, I'd be happy to do the majority, though.
My husband is great with getting kids ready for daycare while I get ready for work and will do baths and PJ's for the kids in the evenings before I get home from work. However, he is currently unemployed and can't seem to get around to finishing laundry, doing dishes, and going through the mail to pull out bills to be paid and throw out junk mail. Kids are out of the house from 9-4:30 and the laundry is still sitting wet in the washer and the clean clothes aren't folded and put away when I get home. And we have a cleaning person who irons and cleans the house once a week.
I'll do a "husband" chore if needed (mowing a lawn is not that hard, raking goes twice as fast with two people working, etc) and he falls all over himself with thanks if I can take something off his plate. I think that if a stack of clean, folded laundry is a turn-on for a woman (which I agree wholeheartedly that it is), then the male equivalent is a mowed lawn. Evin if the wife is still in grubby lawn-mowing clothes and doesn't necessarily want her husband to see her looking like that, the man only sees the mowed lawn and a supermodel putting the mower away.
I do it because I like a clean house and if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.... I absolutely hate clutter, dirty dishes, non-vacuumed floors, dirty windows, etc... So I've done everything I could to take care of the house, and as part of that, the kids.
Divorcing my best friend and the incredibly loving father of my children doesn't really seem appropriate. Constantly berating him also hardly seems worth it, especially since it doesn't seem to work. We have already hired out as much as is possible to hire out. We have all married someone with flaws, including my husband. This particular flaw is worse than many, because it plays into bad gender dynamics, but it's also so much a part of how many of us (including and especially my husband) were raised that I don't think we need conclude he must lack all redeeming qualities.
I do dream ...
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