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Friday, June 29, 2007 My Unsolicited Opinion of Live Free or Die Hard So I saw Live Free or Die Hard last night, or Die Hard 40 as it is known in international markets. I think they should have called it Multiple Choice: A) Live Free, or B) Die Hard. That was some loco shit - gruesome deaths, helicopters strafing, outrunning fireballs, hanging over great heights, jumping on moving objects, jumping off moving objects, shooting things to make them explode, head butting, speaking ill of the dead, helicopters flying in formation, PG-13 profanity, machine guns, a command center where people explain the plot, a Joint Strike Fighter piloted by the most bloodthirsty maniac in the Air Force, collapsing freeways, parkour, annoying meta references to the first three films, lots of broken glass, elevator shaft fu, and car crashes. There are enough car crashes in Live Free or Die Hard to fill ten normal movies. Understand: I am not saying it is a good movie, but darn it, I kinda liked it. By the time the movie limps into the third act, it had built up so much momentum and good will that I temporarily suspended critical thinking and just enjoyed the whole F-35 vs Mack truck scene, even if it did deeply offend my intelligence. By the end of the film you will just be shaking your head and muttering, "No fucking way." And then you'll catch yourself and feel silly for applying logic and reason to this film. There were a couple of things that bugged me about Live Free or Die Hard. Well, a lot of things, really, but let's just pick a few. I mean, the central idea is there - cop in wrong place, right time foils the plans of a group of sophisticated terrorists who are not what they appear to be - but I felt like this could have been Random Mark Wahlberg Movie instead of the fourth chapter in the franchise. The John McClane in Die Hard felt like a real guy stuck in a shitty situation, but in this one he has transformed into a frickin' OMAC* who bends physics and audience disbelief at will. Strap in, I'm going to bitch about something totally trivial: There's a scene in Live Free or Die Hard where McClane1000 runs out of bullets so he uses his onboard cyber-targeting system to precisely launch a cop car into a cooperatively motionless helicopter. Hey, I'm not spoiling anything, man, it was in the trailers. Keep in mind, this movie takes place on the East Coast: Look in the background. Wow, is there an exact replica of LA's famous Bonaventure Hotel somewhere in DC? You know the building because it has been in 1 million and 6 films and TV shows: Here's the thing: I don't actually recall seeing the Bonaventure in the film. They either cleverly avoided filming the building or they just did a little CGI voodoo on the backgrounds. I'll have to watch more carefully when the movie comes out on DVD. But let's say they did manage to keep the landmark hotel out of frame - why would you include a shot of said hotel in a photo in the official press kit? Newspapers and websites everywhere are running that shot of car + helicopter + Bonaventure Hotel. They couldn't have put some effort into their official press kit photos? When DoD V 20 came out, I remember reading a review and looking at one of the press kit photos of a horde of zombies doing the 100 meter dash. Well, clearly the make-up people forgot to zombify the guy in the foreground's gut, because you can see a nice pink belly button that doesn't match the rest of zombie guy's body. No, but I can hold it against the guys that did publicity for the movie. I can't be the only guy in the world who noticed that guy's gut, and I'm just some dude. People actually got paid to select that picture as part of the press package. There's another scene where the Thankless Expository Actors are flying around in helicopters over the Eastern Seaboard explaining the plot and I swear -and I could be wrong- I swear they are flying over Long Beach, CA. I get tired of seeing movies half-assedly pass one distinctive location off for another. I love Vancouver, it's one of my favorite cities, but please Hollywood, I beg of you - stop filming movies up there. Movies that are shot in Vancouver look like they were shot in Vancouver, and no place else. Did anyone for even a moment actually think that was shot in New York City? What about the scene where Jackie Chan is hanging off the speeding hovercraft in "New York" with beautiful snow capped mountains in the background? Please, no more Vancouver movies unless the story actually takes place in Vancouver. Anyway, the whole point of that was I hate it when movies are sloppy about shit. I'm not losing sleep or anything, but it kind of bugs me because I feel like the filmmakers think audiences are too stupid to notice stuff like towering mountains in New York City and non-zombie bellies and the ubiquitous Bonaventure Hotel. The villain in Live Free or Die Hard looks like Ryan Seacrest. During one of the many tense walkie-talkie exchanges between McClanebot and Bad Guy, I kept expecting the guy to say, "I've got your daughter now, McClane. Not so much a review of the movie but just a lot of random, sloppily organized thoughts that pass as a review - which, considering the source material, is appropriate. Live Free or Die Hard is gloriously stupid, messy entertainment. Go check it out, and come back and tell me what you thought of that crazy fucking jet vs semi scene.
I also happen to share the same birthday as beloved actor Gary Busey, which would probably be terrifying if I knew more about numerology, astrology, or Bibilical prophecy. Shortly: an unsolicited review of the latest Die Hard film.
Throw in the Black Canary in full assault mode and you have yourself one macho, beardly comic. Here's the story: Travis Morgan and his goatee are taking a break from the Inner World of Skartaris and are roaming the States on a sort of soul-searching/ass-kicking walkabout, like David Carradine in Kung Fu, only more violent and less englightened. Morgan was born an raised in the States, but he sort of misses primeval, barbaric Skartaris. Sure, pterodactyls attacked you every five minutes or so, but the sun was always shining and loin cloths never went out of style. Travis Morgan shows up in Seattle, where some armed criminal-types mistake him for Oliver Queen, aka Green Arrow. He gets fed up with being attacked and tracks down Queen in the castle-like Seattle home he shares with his girlfriend, Dinah Lance, The Black Canary. Why does she have black hair and a Mia Farrow hairstyle? Dude, because she's not really blonde, she always wore a blonde wig. That's a good question, Dinah, but a better question you might ask would be, "What the hell am I wearing?" Hey Dinah, Charlie Brown called and he wants his shirt back. That's not a good shade of Hideous Yellow on her, it doesn't go with her skin tone.
Mr Beard over there is about two seconds from getting his ass handed to him and he has no idea. Or rather, he starts to say it: Dinah doesn't even let him finish his sentence before she knocks the color out of him with a left cross. That's what I liked about Black Canary during the Grell Era of Green Arrow: she took no shit from anyone. I've read lots of criticism online about nearly every writer's handling of Black Canary*, but I think she's fared a lot better than Wonder Woman or Power Girl or yeesh, Supergirl. Since Grell wrote her, Dinah has consistently been portrayed as compassionate, proud, tough, vulnerable, and slyly funny by writers ranging from Gail Simone to Chuck Dixon to Geoff Johns. I think Black Canary is a great character because most DC writers really love writing her, and it shows. I don't want to turn this into a defense of how DC has handled the character - that's an argument best left to others - but I've always liked Black Canary because of how DC has handled her. Anyway, the punching stops and they sort out who everyone is and why half of Seattle's underworld wants to kill Travis Morgan. If Ollie says that he and Travis are about the same age and Dinah says Travis doesn't look a day over fifty, does that mean Green Arrow is about fifty years old, too? Our three characters have some coffee and M...
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