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Sex | Wednesday, 14 March 2001 Readers Ask: My girlfriend won't cum when I give her oral sex, what am I doing wrong? Well babycakes, you know how I said in my last article that blowjobs are like pizza, even if they're bad, they're still pretty good? Unfortunately the same thing does not apply to eating pussy. Because each woman is different, I can only report on what works for me and the general consensus of the girls I talk to. Just because your ex enjoyed having your thumb up her ass while you lapped at her like a hungry dog, doesn't mean I'm going to, okay? The first thing we all agreed on was that, like giving head, knowing the difference between a "soft tongue" and a "hard tongue" is key. A hard tongue on a fully engorged clit is rarely a pleasurable thing and you'll be putting ice on your face for several hours after you get a heel to the head. You see, the clit gets sensitive really quickly, and when it does, it actually HURTS. Once it gets to that point, it almost feels as though someone's going at it with a palm sander. Another point I'd like to bring up is that the clit is key. Your tongue, unless it's 4-6 inches long, is NOT a mini-cock. A girl's g-spot is approximately 4-6 inches inside her vagina, so no matter how far you stick your tongue up there, you're probably not going to reach it, making the move pretty much useless. The point to eating pussy is to stimulate the clit, and, if you're especially talented, the g-spot, all at the same time. To do this, place two fingers inside her while she's laying on her back (not the best position for your elbows but too bad). With both fingers, gently stroke that spot in the "come here" motion, curling your fingers towards the front of her body. You might feel it sort of push against your fingers and the entire vagina should get tighter after about a minute of doing this. There should be a decent layer of saliva or pussy juice between your tongue and her clit. No girl wants a dry tongue scraping across the most sensitive part of her body and no guy wants a concussion when she starts beating him over the head to stop. Now, the most important thing when going down on a girl is to know how to read her. The majority of women aren't going to tell you what feels good and what doesn't. The easiest way to tell whether or not a chick is on her way to absolute bliss or just wondering what colour to paint the ceiling, is to listen to her breathing. We even do it when we're not going to cum but something feels good. If you listen to your girl very carefully while you're down there, you might hear her stop breathing, then exhale louder than usual. It doesn't mean do it harder, faster, whatever, just keep doing exactly what you're doing because it's working. If they twitch every time you do a certain thing, don't do it. That's a huge indication that the clit is on it's way to that palm sander thing I talked about earlier. I know you guys get a huge kick out of this twitching phenomenon (some of you have even admitted it to me) but for her sake and your well being, don't do it. If the legs start shaking and then all of a sudden stop, just put your hand on her inner thigh. If it's hard and she's flexing, keep doing what you're doing. Another weird thing about chicks and cumming is that a lot of us tense our legs really tightly when something feels good or we're about to blow. Again, I have no idea why, but if you're listening to her breathing like a good boy, you'll probably find that she's holding her breath at the same time. The fact of the matter is, we know you're not mind readers, but somehow we think that if we try hard enough, we can psychically tell you what to do in order to put us in a state of euphoria. We've got this whole inner dialogue in our heads while you're down there you know. Oh, to the left, yeah, that's the shit" or "okay buddy, five more seconds of that and I am sooooo not giving you the rim job I promised." The most important thing about eating pussy and doing it well, is communication. Unfortunately, as previously stated, women are chickenshits so you need guides like mine to decipher the code.
Sex | Wednesday, 14 March 2001 Readers Ask: How can I get my girl to try anal sex? Okay as far as actually getting her to try it, I don't really have any advice for you other than maybe printing out some pro-anal articles on anal sex to sort of calm her fears. I'm sure you can find some if you do a google search or something. Pending she agrees to try this with you, the following is the easiest method of doing it for the first time, or if she hasn't done it in a long time. Astroglide is pretty good and is found at most drugstores. Okay, so, lay her on her back and make out with her a bit to get her in the mood. however, when you're going down on her, try using a little more saliva than usual. Because, when she's on her back, the extra lube is going to drip down to her asshole and while she's on her way to orgasm, the muscles in that area are going to expand and contract, meaning that her asshole is going to open a little bit and then close, causing some of the extra lube to find it's way inside. This makes it easier for you to GENTLY and SLOWLY insert your index finger inside. The best way to do this is to insert your finger to the first knuckle, then pull out half way, repeat about 3 or 4 times, but make sure you go no deeper than the first knuckle and keep licking her vagina so she's more concentrating on that than your finger. With each finger thrust, you're adding extra lube from what's dripping down her asscrack. By the time she orgasms, you should have your entire index finger inside her, thrusting slowly. And DO NOT EVER "double-dip", meaning once that finger is inserted in her asshole, it does NOT under ANY circumstances, go into her vagina because that can cause some REALLY nasty infections. Okay, so after she climaxes, tell her to lay on her stomach. Climb on top of her, lightly running your cock between her ass cheeks, whisper nice things in her ear (like, "I love you" if in fact, you do love her), then kiss the back of her neck. Make this as intimate and romantic as possible because it's going to help her relax, and relaxation is the key ingredient to good anal sex. Remember, if she has a bad experience the first time, she's never going to do it again. Gently massage her shoulders and back, kissing as you go downwards. When you get to her ass, massage it while gently stroking her asshole with lube on your fingers. Insert the index finger again with lots of lube (you can't over-lube). Rub your cock up and down between her pussy lips and if the mood strikes you, penetrate her vagina, the extra lube in there is a good thing. After you do that, lube up your cock and aim it at her asshole, giving a little bit of pressure, just inserting the tip, as you do this, run your fingers down her back lightly, again, so she's sort of concentrating on that and not what's going on around her butt because it'll help her relax. Use the same method with your cock as you did with your finger, insert a little bit, then pull out, but once you get the head in, don't pull out all the way. Once the head is in, it's usually a good idea to add a bit more lube to the shaft while you're still in her, because the skin absorbs it. Following this method, you should expect complete penetration, with very very little pain on her part (pending she's able to relax), after about 15 minutes. After fully penetrating the anus, thrust slowly at first and ask your girlfriend if it's okay to go faster. Encourage her to play with herself while you're fucking her if she's the kind of girl that feels comfortable doing that during regular sex. If you didn't use a condom and came in her, expect her to immediately run to the bathroom and stay there for a while. You might want to plug your ears because air gets in there. Also, it really only takes a few minutes for her to vacate what you shot in there, but she's going to still *feel* "full" even after it's all out. It's also normal for her anal muscles to feel a bit funny for about 24 hours after the first few times, that's normal too. Someone once told to do it for the...
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