mcsweeneys.net/2007/5/2moe.html
JOHN MOE - - - - 1 RUDY GIULIANI Pro: Unifying force after 9/11; Con: The whole "pro-choice, pro-gun-control, New Yorker, used to live with gay dudes, adultery" thing might hurt him with conservatives. Con: Murray from The Mary Tyler Moore Show lacked leadership qualities and Captain Stubing from Love Boat got a little goofy whenever Charo was a guest star, leaving executive branch vulnerable to Charo impersonators who are actually Al Qaeda operatives. Con: Religious beliefs could create problems, as many Americans may not be ready to accept worshiper of ancient Egyptian god Ra. inhuman groans negatively impact "Great Communicator" status. Con: Contractually bound to appear in all 319 Law & Order programs currently in production. Con: Those 110 pounds have reconstituted into a diminutive all-fat Democratic consultant who knows Huckabee's every move. lacks the pen-gripping power of Kansas Senate predecessor Bob Dole. on his guitar and the bosses of the other countries would be all, "Whoa! DUNCAN HUNTER Pro: Appears to be some sort of politician who wants to be president, I guess. That's all anyone in the entire nation knows about him, including himself and his family. Con: Born with two last names, though this liability could be mitigated by teaming with Texas Representative Ron Paul, who is also running. ROBOTIC SUPER BEES Pro: Programmed mandate to destroy enemies with unrelenting deadly force could be an advantage in contentious general-election fight and when facing down hostile nations or other bees. Con: Murderous instinct less advantageous in delicate diplomatic negotiations and the parsing of complex tariff issues. once elected he could disappear into the woods around Camp David and we'd never see him again. Con: Upon her election, nation would be instantly vulnerable to any number of verbal attacks about president being so fat, so ugly, so stupid, etc. given America's recent losses abroad, nation is automatically eligible for first pick in upcoming draft, so he will be available. Con: Once his rookie contract is up, Oden would be free to sign with any other nation on the planet for bigger money. CHUCK HAGEL Pro: Could potentially deliver his home state of Nebraska to the Republicans. Con: Risks losing votes of near-sighted supporters of Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer, Heidegger, and Nietzsche who think the ballot says "Hegel." Con: Unlikely to support biodiesel-fuel development in the Midwest, potentially hurting chances in Iowa primary; A WOMAN OF SOME SORT Pro: Could win support of other women. Con: Women are not allowed to join the Republican Party. CHEERS Pro: Pretty funny show to watch when there's nothing else on. Con: Frustrated voters may want to be able to pick and choose which part of the show to vote for, preferring the Shelley Long years over the Kirstie Alley years or stocking up on mostly Lilith episodes, but it doesn't work like that. Con: President would spend way too much time agonizing over the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; sleeping arrangements in new White House, which would span hundreds of square miles, could get contentious.
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