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Contact Photo Frame Would you pledge your virginity to your father? Its like a wedding but with a twist: Young women exchange rings, take vows and enjoy a first dancewith their dads. Purity balls are the next big thing in the save-it-till-marriage movement.
By Jennifer Baumgardner/February 2007 issue of Glamour Magazine In a chandelier-lit ballroom overlooking the Rocky Mountains one recent evening, some hundred couples feast on herb-crusted chicken and julienned vegetables. their dates are resplendent in floor-length gowns, long white gloves and tiaras framing twirly, ornate updos. Seated at a table with four couples, I watch as the gray-haired man next to me reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a small satin box and flips it open to check out a gold ring hes about to place on the finger of the woman sitting to his right. Her eyes well up with tears as she is overcome by emotion. Welcome to Colorado Springs Seventh Annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball, held at the five-star Broadmoor Hotel. The events purpose is, in part, to celebrate dad-daughter bonding, but the main agenda is for fathers to vow to protect the girls chastity until they marry and for the daughters to promise to stay pure. Pastor Randy Wilson, host of the event and cofounder of the ball, strides to the front of the room, takes the microphone and asks the men, Are you ready to war for your daughters purity? Wilsons voice is jovial, yet his message is seriousand spreading like wildfire. Dozens of these lavish events are held every year, mainly in the South and Midwest, from Tucson to Peoria and New Orleans, sponsored by churches, nonprofit groups and crisis pregnancy centers. The balls are all part of the evangelical Christian movement, and they embody one of its key doctrines: abstinence until marriage. Thousands of girls have taken purity vows at these events over the past nine years. While the abstinence movement itself is fairly mainstreamabout 10 percent of teen boys and 16 percent of girls in the United States have signed virginity pledges at churches, rallies or programs sponsored by groups such as True Love Waitspurity balls represent its more extreme edge. The young women who sign covenants at these parties tend to be devout, homeschooled and sheltered from popular culture. Randy Wilsons 19-year-old, Khrystian, is typical: She works at her church, spends most weekends at home with her family and has never danced with a male other than her father or brother. Emily Smith, an 18-year-old I meet, says that even kissing is out for her. I made a promise to myself when I was younger, she says, to save my first kiss for my wedding day. A tenet of the abstinence movement is that having lovers before marriage often leads to divorce. In the Wilsons community, young women hope to meet suitors at church, at college or through family connections.
But a couple dozen fathers have also brought girls under 10. This evening is more about spending time with her than her purity at this point, says one seven-year-olds dad, a trifle sheepishly. The event is seemingly innocentnot once do I hear sex or virgin cross anyones lips. Still, every one of the girls here, even the four-year-old, will sign that purity covenant. Encouraging girls to avoid sleeping around is, without a doubt, a good thing. research shows that girls who have solid relationships with their fathers are more likely to grow up to be confident, self-respecting, successful women and to make wise choices along the way. Question is, is putting girls purity on a pedestal the way to achieve these all-important goals? The movements latest mission is to make abstinence cool (its been called chastity chic).
Silver Ring Thing, a national abstinence group for teens, has an active MySpace page filled with comments like this from Brianna: I vowed to stay a virgin till marriage two years ago and its been a long tough roadbut it gets a lil easier everyday. The first purity ball, with all its queen-for-a-day allure, was thrown in 1998 by Wilson, now 48, and his wife, Lisa, 47; the two run Generations of Light, a popular Christian ministry in Colorado Springs. We wanted to set a standard of dignity and honor for the way the girls should be treated by the men in their lives, says Lisa, a warm, exuberant woman with a ready smile and seven children, ages 4 to 22. Lisas own father left her family when she was two, and despite a kind stepfather, she says, she grew up not feeling valued or understood. I believe if girls feel beautiful and cherished by their fathers, they dont go looking for love from random guys. That first ball got some positive local and Christian press, as well as inquiries from people in 21 states interested in throwing their own. Today, South Dakotas Abstinence Clearinghousea major association of the purity movementsends out about 700 Purity Ball Planner booklets a year (tips include printing out the vows on beautiful paper and serving wedding cake for dessert). While the Wilsons make no money from their ball, a cottage industry for accessories has sprung up. Roam the Internet and youll find a $250 14-karat pearl-and-diamond purity ring; for $15, you can buy a red baby-doll T-shirt with Im Waiting emblazoned on the chest, its snug fit sending a bit of a mixed message. The older girls at the Broadmoor tonight are themselves curvaceous and sexy in backless dresses and artful makeup; next to their fathers, some look disconcertingly like wives. In fact, in the parlance of the purity ball folks, one-on-one time with dad is a date, and the only sanctioned one a girl can have until she is courted by a man. The roles are clear: Dad is the only man in a girls life until her husband arrives, a lifestyle straight out of biblical times. In patriarchy, a father owns a girls sexuality, notes psychologist and feminist author Carol Gilligan, PhD And like any other property, he guards it, protects it, even loves it.
The men inscribe their names and their daughters sign as witnesses. Then everyone returns to their meals and an excited buzz fills the room. Purity balls are, in fact, part of a larger trend throughout American culture of fathers spending more time with their daughters and sonsthe amount rose from 26 hours a week in 1965 to 65 hours in 2000, the most recent year for which statistics are available. This togetherness has a real payoff for girls: Those who are close with their fathers generally do better in life than those who arent. Dan Kindlon, PhD, a Harvard-based psychologist who did in-depth interviews with 113 girls and teens for his new book, Alpha Girls, found that those who had the best relationships with their dads were the most accomplished academically and had the strongest sense of self. Another much-cited study on the subject by two sociologists tracked 126 Baltimore girls from low-income families. It found that those with involved and caring dads were twice as likely to go to college or find a stable job after high school than those without such fathers; Of course, adolescence poses a tricky challenge: Teens are often more interested in hanging out with friends than in spending time with dear old Dad. And their fathers may not be sure how to treat a child whos morphing into a young woman. Says Margo Maine, PhD, a clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut, who often works with families, Our cultureand even fathers themselvesunderestimates the power fathers have on womens self-esteem and identity. With his bright smile, steady eye contact and the erect posture of a confident man, he reminds me of the magnetic self-help guru that Tom Cruise portrayed in Magnolia. I applaud your courage to look your daughter in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is. If you havent done it yet, Ill give you a chance to do it right now. I strike up a conversation with Christy Parcha, an 18-year-old brunette whos here to perform a ballet later on; her 10-year-old sister is attending the ball with their dad, Mike, a math teacher at a local community college. Christys eyes are bright, her cheeks flushed, and a smile permanently animates her face. Although she just graduated from high school, she is not going to college ...
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