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OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to d ecide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be tau ght along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choos e for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am conc erned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent D esign. Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the univ erse was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created al l that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelmi ng scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothin g but a coincidence, put in place by Him. It is for this reason that Im writing you today, to formally request tha t this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the othe r two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, th en you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on s cience, not on faith. Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monste r created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, bu t we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explai ning all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that t here are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretiv e, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people dont understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a sc ientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds tha t approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 year s old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measuremen t, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His N oodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invis ible and can pass through normal matter with ease. Im sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taugh t this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize t hat observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monst er. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearin g His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot st ress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we dont. You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricane s, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numb ers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a gra ph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temper ature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and belief s I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly t hat no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forwa rd to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our sci ence classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monster ism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming obs ervable evidence. PS I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, tree s, and a midget.
here Response from Mrs Janet Waugh - District 1 - 6/25/05 Response from Mrs Sue Gamble - District 2 - 6/26/05 Response from Mrs Carol Rupe - District 8 - 8/16/05 Still awaiting responses from the rest of the Board.
Page 16 Current favorite email: Bobby, Today I was blessed to receive a divine revelation from our Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have the privilege of informing you that it is His will that I become His Bride, in order that the Savior of mankind (who is to be called Macaroni) may be born on this earth. The FSM has revealed to me that your body is to be the vehicle by which his holy seed shall be transmitted in earthly form.
I will be the woman wearing the WWFSMD t-shirt and eye patch. I look forward to meeting you and fulfilling the will of our noodly maste r Julie Boise, Idaho Apparently there may be some problems with the mugs. Dear Bobby, I have recently purchased one of your coffee mugs, but it is giving me no end of grief. Every time I put coffee, hot chocolate, or hot tea in the mug, it instantly transubstantiates into what I assume is the blood of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It sort of looks like marinara sauce, but I'm afraid to taste it. Curiously, when I put wine into the mug, it just turns into a nice, full-bodied chianti -- beer does the same thing. Is there any act of sacrifice or ritual that I can perform to stop these miracles from occurring? While I bask in His greatness and I am truly awed by His power, I'm also kind of thirsty.
Texas New: Bobby, I am so glad the word has gotten out, and just in time, too. I am in my s econd trimester, and I was worried that when I gave birth to our Noodly Savior I would be shunned to the edges of society for giving birth to a fully-grown midgit in pirate regalia. Yes, I have conceived the spirit of our Divine Lord, and immaculately, I might add. He came upon me while I was eating alone at The Olive Garden one evening this past winter--I was having a delicious meatball lasagna, I remember--and suddenly my eyes were filled with light, and the restau rant around me fell away, and there was nothing but His noodly appendage encircling me, caressing me. I cried out in ecstasy, and then I heard H is voice in my ear, whispering to me, "In nine months time you shall giv e birth to a fully-grown midgit in pirate regalia, and He shall save the world from sin and hate and false notions about evolution and Creation. " I heard singing, and tomato sauce rained from the sky, and I saw angel ha ir pasta flying about with little farfalle wings and playing harps. " said the Flying Spaghett i Monster, "and He shall bring in a new era of love and a worldwide foll owing of Pastafarians willing to shed marinara sauce for what they belie ve." And His noodly appendage left my trembling, sated body, and the singing f aded, and I was once again in The Olive Garden, awaiting the birth of ou r Savior, Prego, who will deliver us from evil. I paid the check and wen t home and prayed all night to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If Kansas refuses to include our religion in their science curr iculum--imagine, survival of the fittest, ha! it is survival of the nood liest, any devout Pastafarian knows that--Prego shall smite those heathe ns and burn Kansas for all eternity.
WHY YOU SHOULD CONVERT TO FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTERISM * Flimsy moral standards. If your work/school objects to th at, demand your religious beliefs are respected and threaten to call the ACLU. WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING "As a scientist, I'd like to say that the currently accepted scientific t heory is evolution. But, some competing ideas have been proposed, such a s ID and FSMism, and discussion to include one should include the other, as these ideas are equally valid." We have...
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