www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3565
Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, I saw on the TV that there is a show now with a woman host. This is not very bad by itself because the woman was dressed in accordance with the laws of Islam and did not expose herself and inflame the lust of any male guests. However, this woman was having a talk with guests and things got a bit out of control when the woman host said "no, I don't think so" to one of the guests. I was so mad I told my wife to drown herself in the bathtub while I finished watching the show. Then, later in the show, the host says "you are wrong" to a doctor! Please see if you could beat this woman with a chain and I thank you in advance. Inshallah Muslim Man Complaint Box, My child was drawing pictures for school and this is forbidden. What makes the situation worse is that the picture was of our whole family and also blessed Mohammad. It was not a very clear picture of Mohammad and I think his likeness would be considered obscured by the scriptures. Just to be sure I hanged my son and burned his body and then my brothers burned the school and also hanged the teacher. What I want to know is what can be done about the ability to draw? Any child can go about creating blasphemous rendering of Mohammad! My son is in the afterlife now because of these crayons and "construction" paper, which I say is "destruction" paper. Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, This is a complaint in general about women these days. Things are getting out of control with the influences of the West and they are more willing than ever to speak their minds. Yesterday I thought I heard a woman whisper "Ally McBeal" in a marketplace to another woman and then their heads turned to each other like they might be making eye-contact through the mesh screens hiding their eyes. I do not know if anything can be done about this, but I would like to find myself a good Muslim wife. Also death to America, death to Israel, yadda, yadda, yadda. Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, I am a devoted Muslim man living in the heart of the beast. I live within the Jew-cursed border of the state of Jew Jewrsey in Jewmerica and I am very unhappy. The other day I heard an American man say that Islam is not a religion of peace. This is intolerable and doubly so when the laws of America prevent me from cutting out his tongue, setting fire to his house and taking his wife as my own. I demand that something be done about this and also death to Israel. Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, I am a devoted follower of the Prophet Mohammed living in the occupied land of Iraq. I am not an insurgent, I am just an honest man trying to live my life. There is an American by the name of Pete Reynolds who sometimes buys baklava from my shop and he is very nice. The problem is I found out a few weeks ago that he was an atheist when I was talking to him. I know it is my duty to kill all infidels, but I was wondering if exceptions could possibly be made if the infidels are particularly friendly. Perhaps I could simply wound the infidels or hurt their feelings very badly. He was fat as all decadent Westerners usually are and I think maybe I could have made some rude comments about that to him and he might have even killed himself. Anyway, no biggie, he was beheaded a couple days ago when the United States refused to release Jalal "The Red Hand of Allah" Al Harami. PS - Death to Israel Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, Hey, I don't know if you noticed, but my entire family lives in a fucking bomb crater eating leaves all day. I know Death to Israel, Death to America and all that but do you think you could take a look at installing a floor in my crater or something? I'm on your side, I'm Muslim, I just think we need to prioritize better. Maybe ease back on the "death to X" stuff and look into paved roads and running water. When I can afford to buy a car I promise to load the trunk full of fertilizer and drive it into a Jewish wedding. I'm ridin' high in U to the A to the E and I just wanna kno what a nigga can do to drop dem bombs on tha club. My main Mullah nigga MC Ishuan got hot tracks like napalm and he be wantin' to roll on up with some OBL samples but a nigga be livin in caves and shit. Get me tha GPS and I'll send tha stretch hummer out to pick his ass up. Hit me up on my blackberry and it's on like Alizzy Jizzyerizzy. D2A, D2I, TTYL Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, I like cowboys and I think that means I have to cut my hands off. Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, My daughter was raped by my neighbor and we burned her alive because she was tainted. My issue is that I think I should be able to rape his daughter back instead of having to burn my perfectly good daughter. Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, the offensive against Christmas in the United States is stalling. Our enemies at Fox News have caught on to our plans and they are hunting down our operatives. Just last week Yasser was caught by the pig dogs trying to set fire to a Holiday Store in the McCormick Mall. Also if there are any openings I would like to request a transfer to the Death to Israel division. Hey, I was just wondering if you could look into moving Sunnis out of the "fidel" category and over to the "infidel" one. I think they are collaborating with the West because I saw one talking to a Russian who I don't think was Muslim and he also didn't look overly serious about killing Israel. Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box, I am displeased with the way that Shi'ites drive because they drive one way and we Sunnis drive a completely different way. Desperately Seeking Fatwah in Damascus The Jefferson Brothers are going to court for all the trouble they have gotten themselves mixed up in. It's like Court TV with almost as much yelling as a Nancy Grace.
Vincent Gallo Merchandise (thanks SouvlakiPlaystation) - Director, actor and writer Vincent Gallo is about as eccentric as they come. Gallo is apparently hard up for cash or just interested in offloading some of the junk he has collected over the years at a ridiculous price. Gallo's clearing house website oozes class like a sack of medical waste in Beverly Hills. He's roughly 30% more vile than I thought humanly possible and every single item he is selling (at roughly 10,000% of their ebay value) has some sort of horrible memory attached. Just be glad Gallo is selling the junk through the Internet. I would imagine that haggling with him in person would be similar to trying to climb a rope made out of knives.
This is Chris Squire's solo masterpiece LP "Fish Out Of Water" on 8 Track format (extremely rare). Vincent Gallo has been a huge Yes fan since he was a young kid, and Yes bassist Chris Squire has always been one of his idols. At the age of 13, Vincent began a highly sexual affair with a 19 year old Buffalo slut who had her own car. Unfortunately, the slut's car's only music source was an 8 Track tape player. Though Vincent, already huge, and already a huge record collector, was famous in Buffalo for making mixed tapes, they were all mixed on cassette and could not be played in the slut's car. During these crude sexual encounters Gallo was starved for music, something to distract him from her alcoholic breath. Maybe he's trying to get the millions necessary to hire an A-list actress for his next movie. Watch out Brad Pitt, Gallo wants to pay your baby mama to blow him.
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