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Betwixt Lrien and Rivendell By: Romulus Fang Rating: T Sunlight filtered through the canopy, lending a dappled glow to the fores t floor beneath. These were the woods traversed by Elendil as he led the last exiles from Nmenor to found the city of Gondor; indeed, it would not have been outlandish to suggest that the very same trees had watched him pass. The sound of approaching hooves grew louder from the West as a robed figu re on horseback drew nearer to a small clearing in the brush. His long, gray beard flowed freely in the wind, and the rider himself carried a co ncerned expression on his careworn face. At that same moment, a man in the most curious garb entered the clearing; his dress was dark, though its midnight-blue tint offered no camouflage . Its make was like none in Middle-Earth, the fabric so thin as to offer little protection from an assailant's spear. The grey-robed man reared his horse, staring incredulously at the individ ual who barred his path. "The name's Stephen Colbert," said the stranger, offering his hand, which Gandalf ignored because it was not a custom with which he had any famil iarity. At this, Gandalf allowed himself a sharp intake of breath. the y are manifold and frightening, the merest mention sufficient to attract the very same dark powers that we seek to eliminate." "Don't hide behind your precious political double -talk, Gandalf. Let's call a spade a spade: I know about the Ringwraiths -- who will soon become the Nazgul - not to mention Gollum, Saruman, an d Shelob. Just saying 'dangers' and 'dark powers' doesn't accomplish any thing; The story of Isildur, while clearly demonstrative of the One Ring's corruptive power, also bespeaks the Dark Lord's dependence on his prized creation; that is to say, should the ring be eliminated, it would substantially weaken, or I daresay even destroy, the one who we no w know as Sauron, though whom in the past has been known by such names a s Annatar, The Necromancer, and Gorthaur the Cruel." "I must confess that what you propose had no t occurred to me." "That's because you're a product of an entrenche d, stagnant power structure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the council of the Istari has wielded substantial influence over the doings of this wo rld since they were Maia spirits who assisted the Valar back in the Undy ing Lands. That kind of power over a few thousand years, your brain star ts to get lazy." Indeed, at that moment the trees seemed to shrink back upon themselves, a nd a sudden chill bit through the air. Woodland creatures scurried to th e safety of their subterranean homes, and carrion birds circled ominousl y above the treeline. In the distance, Stephen and Gandalf saw the black -robed figure approach, its empty hood seeming to sniff the air as it wa lked. "I shall handle this," intoned Gandalf, drawing the barrow sword Glamdrin g from inside its scabbard. The blade glowed with a hungry light, as tho ugh sensing the nearness of its prey. "Don't bother," said Stephen, as he reached inside a much smaller scabbar d to pull out a black device no larger than a small dagger, which did no t glow in the least and appeared to have no magical properties whatsoeve r "What is-" "The pen is mightier than the sword!" yelled Stephen as he jumped up to f ace the Ringwraith, who turned to face him with a vicious snarl. The dread minion of Sauron charged, its two-handed greatsword arced high and poised for a killing blow. Stephen stood before the onslaught, undau nted, his pen furiously at work on a nondescript sheet of parchment. Jus t as the Ringwraith closed in on its target, Stephen triumphantly thrust his completed missive into the ghoul's hooded face. Gandalf averted his eyes, to avoid witnessing the carnage that was soon to follow only to g ape in surprise when the ghoul unexpectedly stopped in its tracks. "You have heard of Gandalf the Gray, a nd Saruman the White, though you may fear them not! Now, tremble in your ethereal shoes, for I am Colbert the Pinstriped! The Ringwraith-who-was-not-yet-Nazgul shrank back from Stephen's gi mlet gaze. "I have compiled an exhaustive list of your crimes against the people of Middle Earth, and declare you to be under Citizen's Arrest! Head bowed, the undead creature dropped its greatsword with a defiant his s; upon contacting the hallowed and sacred earth, the fearsome blade dis solved into a thousand wisps of smoke. From his vantage point in the bus hes, Gandalf looked incredulously at his useless--and to be frank, obsol ete--Sword of Light. "You're going away for a long time, Witch-King of Angmar," said Stephen, with the merest hint of a superior smirk upon his face.
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