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NEW DETAILS SURFACE by PAUL SIMMS Issue of 2004-07-26 Posted 2004-07-19 Vice President Dick Cheney cursed at Sen. Patrick J Leahy, Vermont Democ rat, in a confrontation on the Senate floor while members were having th eir annual group picture taken earlier this week.
responded with a barnyard epithet, urging Mr L eahy to perform an anatomical sexual impossibility. After Mr Cheney successfully delivered the epithet and started to walk a way, Mr Leahysotto vocereferred to the Vice-President using a term mo re often heard in taverns and locker rooms than in the august Senate cha mber, a term that refers to a sexual act commonly acknowledged as taboo among all cultures that proscribe incestuous contact between a mother an d a son. Mr Cheneyapparently hearing Mr Leahys remarkstopped, turned, and inv ited his colleague from across the aisle to engage in a sexual act that is considered a felony in some states, and which involves oral-genital c ontact. Mr Leahy then suggested that the president of the Senate take his gavel and use it to perform an act that, while not technically impossible in a natomical terms, would certainly be considered both unseemly and unhygie nic, and which would require an unusual combination of single-minded amb ition and physical relaxation. Mr Cheney wasted no time in informing Mr Leahy that he should feel free to perform yet another anatomical impossibilitythis one involving avia tion, a standard sexual act, and a rolling doughnut. At this point, according to observers, both statesmen decidedby seemingl y unspoken mutual consentto abandon the gutter patois of the common car nival worker and to resort instead to an eminently more quotable (but, t o those not versed in the vagaries of hip-hop idiom, more confusing) exc hange of viewpoints. Once again, Mr Cheney replied (quite obviously quoting a lyric from Ic e Cubes 1990 album, AmeriKKKas Most Wanted), its on. As a quick-thinking senatorial aide switched on the Senates public-addre ss system and cued up the infamous Seven Minutes of Funk break, Mr Le ahy and Mr Cheney went head-to-head in what can only be described as a take no prisoners freestyle rap battle. Most of the rhymes kicked therein cannot be quoted in a family publicatio n, but observers gave Mr Cheney credit for his deceptively laid-back fl ow. Mr Leahy was applauded for managing to rhyme the phrases unethical for certain, crude oil spurtin, and like Halliburton. Despite the fact that both participants brought their A-game and succeede d in dropping mad scientifics, the bout seemed to end in a draw. Unfortunately, as other senators (along with assorted aides and support-s taff members) were casting their votes to decide the winner, using the a dmittedly subjective but generally accepted Make some noise up in here! protocols, Mr Cheney and Mr Leahy took the proceedings to what one a ide accurately described as the next level. But before either of the aggrieved public servants could bust a potential ly injurious move on his rival, cooler heads prevailed: a veteran Capito l Hill security guard pacified the bloodthirsty white men (Mr Leahy fir st, then Mr Cheney) with a shot from a tranquillizer gun. He then had t hem returned to their cages in the sub-basement of the Old Executive Off ice Building, where both men are kept and fed during non-business hours under the watchful eye of a volunteer from Washingtons National Zoo.
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