www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/08/10/HOGVHE3B3J1.DTL
More H&G Articles Nicki Panoutsopoulos spent four years living independently in New York Ci ty, attending New York University and then teaching in a challenging ele mentary school in Manhattan's Lower East Side. When she decided that she missed the Bay Area, she moved back home. At 28, the active young woman lives in the family home in Millbrae with her mother, father and two brothers, ages 18 and 32. Nor would James Hwang, age 30, who lives at home with his mother (his fat her died several years ago) along with his brother Danny, Danny's wife a nd their toddler son. Both Panoutsopoulos, who comes from a Greek family, and Hwang, whose pare nts are natives of Taiwan, cite cultural reasons, among others, for thei r comfort with their living arrangements. Some Greek and Chinese familie s encourage their children to live at home until they marry -- and somet imes even after. Also, both are in the family business: Panoutsopoulos i s a manager at the Lakeside Cafe on San Francisco's Ocean Avenue; Hwang helps run his family's restaurant, Taipei, also on Ocean Avenue, But the choice to live at home is more than just a cultural one. Statisti cs reveal that 25 percent of adult children between 30 and 34 still live at home or have returned home over a period of time (60 percent for the 22-to-24 set and about 30 percent for those from 25 to 29). According to a Universi ty of Chicago study, the typical age of most brides in the 1950s was 18. Other reasons include the fact that a college education takes longer these days to complete, and student loans may pile up. And, particularly in a city lik e San Francisco, living at home may help a young adult become financiall y independent. Panoutsopoulos, who pays no rent, is saving for a condo. "Many of my friends, both Greek and non-Greek, here in San Francisco and in New York, live at home with hopes one day of buying something of thei r own, " she said. Perhaps surprisingly, about twice as many young men as women live at home , writes parenting expert Armin A Brott, author of "Father for Life" (A bbeville Press, 2003). Women tend to get married younger and, femin ism notwithstanding, women are more likely to have a husband or boyfrien d to support them. Men living at home are more likely to be unemployed t han are women. No matter what the reason why adult children and their parents live under the same roof, the main ingredient for a successful arrangement seems t o be found in one word: freedom. Hwang's mother, June, emphasizes: "They go in and out as they please." "Resist the urge to shou t, 'This is not a hotel,' and set up a lot of ground rules -- doing so i s the fastest way to create conflict. How much a young adult pays toward the cost of the household should be ne gotiated according to how much income he has, how substantial the family income is and how parents arrange payments that are particular to him: phone, computer, entertainment. James Hwang's brother, Danny, and his family live in their own r ooms on the third floor. Decide who's responsible for an adult child's personal chores like doing laundry, cleaning and cooking meals. ") Probably the most difficult, if not impossible, job for parents -- whethe r their children live at home or not -- is to stay out of their personal affairs. There may be the boyfriend who is less than perfect -- or an u nexplained all-nighter. The best advice: Unless a daughter or son has fa llen in with a crowd that appears on police blotters, keep lips sealed. On the other hand, adult children should try to tell their folks where t hey'll be, out of simple courtesy and in case of emergency. Are adult children expe cted to be around for Aunt Minnie's visit? For Mom's old college roommat e dropping in from Nebraska? Should a parent think it's essential that adult children attend a family functi on, give them plenty of time to plan for it. On the other hand, try to g ive children room to entertain at home by staying out of their way. Every family has a different set of standards for, well, "sleepovers" amo ng adult children and their dates/lovers/partners. Some families firmly nix the idea on moral grounds, no matter what the age of their children. This is the time that the "it's my h ouse" argument can be made if parents are not comfortable with kids brin ging lovers home. In fact, parents should emphatically spell out any act ivities (smoking, drugs) that are intolerable and thus merit an eviction notice. "The purpose of this (arrangement) is to help your child become more inde pendent," Brott said. "It is also to keep you from building up a huge am ount of resentment or of being taken advantage of. You need to strike a good balance between allowing your adult children the freedom they need, asking them to take on a reasonable amount of adult responsibility and your own sanity." Nick Panoutsopoulos, the father of three adults who still live at home, s eems to harbor no resentment at all. He says, in fact, that he loves hav ing his kids around. Perhaps at odds with a lot of parents who can't wait until their maturing children walk out the door, Nick says: "Why have children if they're go ing to leave at 18?"
|
http://csua.com/feed/