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I killed my pets to move in with my fianc A woman is anguished after putting her beloved dogs to sleep so she could join her fianc in Hawaii. Gail Saltz "Today" contributor Updated: 9:02 am ET June 16, 2005 Q: About a year ago, I made the heart-wrenching decision to leave a great job, house, friends and family to move to Hawaii with my fianc. advertisement As part of this transition, I also chose to have my two beloved chow chow dogs put to sleep. This was done for a variety of reasons, including th eir age and temperament, the smaller living quarters in Hawaii, the trop ical climate and frequent travels, all with the goal of making our new l ife as stress-free as possible. I adored those dogs, but I justified the ir sacrifice to the greater good of a successful relationship. After six months, I am still tormented by memories of my dogs. The depths of anguish and loss make me think I got rid of them for purely selfish reasons, which is the kind of behavior I thought I reviled. I feel that I have gone from dog-lover to dog-killer in one trans-Pacific flight. This is not the person my fianc fell in love with, and I fear that I wil l begin to blame and resent him for my emotional despair. Do I try to morph into the kind of steely person who makes the tough deci sions, swallows the consequences and moves on? Can I ever be the warm-he arted, caring animal-lover I once was, or will I always be a fake? The fact that you are wr iting this and in such a heartfelt way means that this is very unlik ely to be the case.
Also, I am truly sorry you feel so wracked with guilt about your decision to put your dogs to sleep. People dont always realize that their attachment to animals can be every bit as strong as their attachment to people. Many people have terrible grief at the loss of a beloved animal. And maybe it wou ld not have been fair to take the dogs, because of the factors you menti on. But its clear you now recognize this decision was extreme. Obviously, if you couldnt take the dogs with you, a less guilt-inducing alternative would have been to find them a good home. Difficult as it is, you have no choice but to accept the fact that you made a mistake.
ALL RELATIONSHIPS THURSDAY COLUMNS Its impossible to make every negative feeling go away. However, because the choice to put the dogs to sleep was yours, you shouldnt blame or re sent your fianc for this. But neither do you have to flagellate yoursel f for the rest of your life. To ease your guilt, you might want to consider getting another pet. In pa rticular, there are plenty of older, needy animals you could love. If ad opting another animal isnt feasible, you could contribute to a rescue g roup or volunteer for one. It sounds as though you have learned that, like many women, you are prone to doing extreme things for a love relationship. When the time comes to make another big decision, you will be prepared to make a better one. Gails Bottom Line: Some actions turn out to be mistakes which cannot be undone. But it is possible to take positive action to counter their effects. In addition, of course, they can do much to teach you about you rself and enable you to be more mindful the next time.
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as pr oviding specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer re aders information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to repl ace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.
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