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org Date: 2005-06-06, 12:40PM PDT Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor. BY KEN MCINTYRE - - - - OK, America, you done fucked up again. Things got a little out of hand, a nd you went and blew up another country. Now you got everybody all mad a t you, and you don't know what to do. Ike's been down this road before, and I know exactly how to handle it. Ike knows what he's talking about, and Ike's willing to help you out as long as you do exactly what Ike says and stop being so stubborn. I know sometime s you get caught up in the heat of the moment and you don't know when yo u've gone too far. Iraq was being stubborn and ignorant, and you had to teach Ira q a lesson. Now Iraq's all beaten and bruised and bleeding everywhere, f ucking up the good carpet. Step 2 Give Iraq a Kleenex and tell it to clean itself up. Even i f you don't really mean it, you've got to swallow your pride and say the words "I'm sorry, baby." Tell Iraq that sometimes America just gets so mad sometimes, and things get out of hand. America just wants to teach Iraq a lesson, because America loves I raq so much, baby. America knows what's best for Iraq, and if Iraq would just listen and stop being so stubborn, it could be the best country in the world. Get all your friends together and make a big celebration out of it. Off er Iraq a little tiny slice of democracy for the cameras. C'mon, Iraq, don't disappoint America in f ront of all these people. If Iraq asks you to leave it alone, just raise your fist and tell it to s top being all uppity. If Iraq still fights back, well, you're gonna have to teach Iraq a lesson. Maybe it's t ime to do some soul-searching and find out if maybe the problem isn't wi th you. Promise Iraq that you're gonna try and get some help with your o il addiction and that you'll be a better country from now on. Guzzle that shit down and drive over to Iraq's house and start busting up the joint, for old times ' sake. Step 7 OK, by now Iraq's probably threatening to kill your ass if you don't leav e it alone. I know it's tough, but at some point you're gonna have to le arn how to let go. It's gonna bruise the shit out of your ego, and other countries are probably gonna look down on you for the next few decades, but it has to be done. It'll allow Iraq to blossom into its own beautif ul country, and it'll give you a chance to focus on improving yourself f or a change. Think of all the ama zing things you've done in the past. You went a little nuts there for a few years, but it's never too late to get back on track. They'll follow your example and learn from your mistakes. And if it makes you feel any better, one day Iraq will probably star in a really shitty Mel Gibson movie.
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