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| 5/24 |
| 2005/5/12-13 [Recreation/Dating] UID:37642 Activity:high |
5/11 I recently found out my significant other is having a secret e-mail
correspondence with someone else including discussion of sexual
topics, etc. I found this out by accident but since then i've been
doing some snooping. the correspondence itself is a little
racy / flirty and makes me a little jealous but it's basically
harmless...(it's clear that both people are in relationships and
both are aware of it and there's no talk of meeting in person etc.)
what bothers me more is the fact that it's being kept a secret from
me. everything else in the relationship is going well. How worried
should i be?
\_ You give a shit? Confront her, accept that it might end the
relationship, but maybe also clear the air, and feel bad about
snooping. Don't give a shit? Let it lie and deal. What's so
hard about that? -John
\_ You are snooping on your SO? I'd be very worried about that one.
Jealousy is a bad mother fucker, and will wreck relationships
time and time again.
\_ Are you married to your SO? -ax
\_ What does that have to do with it?
\_ What, you don't think there's a difference between
dating and marriage? -not ax
\_ If you are married and don't trust the person you
married, you screwed up and married the wrong
person. If you are single, you can always meet
someone else if it bothers you that much. Don't
read other people's e-mail if you can't handle
what you see. You should have so much trust in the
person you are with you don't feel the need to spy
on them. -ax
\_ Sorry, but that's silly--I've been with my gf
for ~10 years now. We're not married for tax
reasons, and because it doesn't mean much to us.
Try implying to me with a straight face that our
relationship is somehow less solid than any
given married couple's. -John
\_ I'm not commenting about the solidity of
your relationship, I'm commenting on the
ability to leave a relationship without
lawyers and red ink. I'm glad to hear you have
a solid relationship. In California if you
two had been married for ten years, and you
wanted out, you could look forward to alimony.
Actually, you might already have a common law
marriage depending on where you live...
-ax
\_ Fair enough, we basically get all the
same rights as a married couple (it's
called "concubinate" here, weirdly enough)
without palimony or tax obligations. -John
\_ Um, I agreed that your question was important.
And don't post past 80 columns (with tabstop=8).
\_ When it comes to trust and privacy, not really.
Assuming we are talking about serious, commited,
daing.
married, you screwed up and married the wrong person.
If you are single, you can always meet someone else if
it bothers you that much. Don't read other people's e-mail
if you can't handle what you see. You should have so much
trust in the person you are with you don't feel the need to
spy on them. -ax
\_ What a load of horseshit. Married people
\_ Interesting how this hasn't drawn a long,
fist-waving rant about squishing and alums
and hostile environments from The Management.
cheat all the time and do so whether or not
they 'trust each other'. In this case, whether
or not he trusted his SO she's still doing
something she shouldn't be.
\_ The point was that the op doesn't trust his
or her SO, as proven by the need to spy
on e-mail. I'm not talking about blind trust
I'm talking about trust based on an understanding
of the other person's values and behavior. -ax
\_ I find myself agreeing with ax. I must need
more sleep.
\_ So my conclusion is you don't trust your SO, that
is either based on you being paranoid or some kind
of behavior you see that is causing you doubts.
Obviously that lack of trust was there before you
"stumbled" on the e-mail. If it's paranoia,
watch "Raging Bull" and cut it out. If it's not,
\- ^Raging Bull^Othello
bail if you can't deal with it. Don't just
sit there and continue spying. -ax
\_ You didn't find out by accident-- you were snooping. That's on
purpose. Think about this: if it's truly harmless, is there a
good reason why s/he _would_ tell you? Have you indicated jealous
behaviour before (you know, snooping, etc.)? Perhaps s/he is
just having fun and trying to avoid a blow-up. If it's truly
harmless, just let it go. --erikred
\_ Who the hell ar you to say this? What do you know about the op?
\_ Who the hell are you to say this? What do you know about the op?
Idiot.
\_ A discussion like that that you don't know about can only destroy
your relationship. Any counselor will tell you that.
\_ You're SOL. If the exchange had been completely innocent in the
mind of your SO, she would have mentioned it to you. This is
something that has gone on over a period of at least weeks, right?
If nothing has happened yet, it just means that the opportunity
to do something has not openned up yet. If your SO's email-pal
becomes single, or if he just gets that certain itch, you can bet
that he will make an overture and that your SO will be willing to
(at least) consider the proposal.
(at least) consider the proposal. You can also bet that your SO
is aware of the possibility.
\_ not necessarily. I talk about sex with most of my friends at
some point, both male and female. The better the friend, the
more detailed/graphic the conversation can be without being
uncomfortable. Plus, flirting is fun. I love to flirt with
other people even when I'm in a relationship... in that case,
it's easier to flirt with people who are also in relationships/
otherwise unavailable, because there's an unspoken limit to
how far you can take it. It's safe. I also agree that if the
OP has demonstrated jealous/possessive behavior before, that
could explain why the SO is defensive/secretive. It could be
good to talk about, though, since it's obviously causing stress
to the OP and could lead to other relationship issues, even if
it's not a problem to the SO. The snooping part might be an
issue, though.
\_ I think you need to be honest with yourself about how
harmless you are being. Personally, I think you are a slut.
\_ Personally, I think you are a prude.
\_ Yeah, crazy me for not wanting to flirt with
married women and not wanting my wife to flirt with
men. Anyone doing this is kidding themselves and
ultimately asking for trouble.
\_ I have enough self control and know myself well
enough to know when I can flirt and when I can't.
I trust my wife knows herself similarly. I know
that I trust her. I think that you are a humourless
prude who doesn't appreciate the joy of being a
fully alive human being.
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html
"At one level, you can flirt with more or less
anyone. An exchange of admiring glances or a
bit of light-hearted flirtatious banter can
brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen
social bonds. Flirtation at this level is harmless
fun, and only the stuffiest killjoys could possibly
have any objections"
\_ You're scary.
\_ Thanks.
\_ That wasn't a compliment.
\_ It is coming from you. Thanks again!
\_ That's just silly.
\_ Talking about sex is "light-hearted banter"?
\_ Does your SO (assuming you're in a relationship right now)
know the people you flirt with and the the fact that you
flirt with them? Do you think your behavior would be more
or less innocent with or without the knowledge (and/or
acquiescence) of your SO?
\_ Bottom line, don't do anything in private you wouldn't do in front
of your SO. Ask yourself, what would my wife/husband think if
she/he found out I was doing this. It may be timid and boring,
but you'll sleep well. -ax
\_ 1. How the OP found out about this is a separate issue.
Two wrongs dont make a right. It may affect OP's
options in dealing with it (if asked , "how did you
find out?") but let's move on to the main issue ...
2. As for how worried should I be, well I'd say this is
certainly a data point to factor in. It's like when
you have a fight about something minor ... is that
what is really going on, or is it really about some
larger issue. In this case, she's not doing it in
your face, which rules out certain motivations (to
put you down, assert control, see how you react, to
get to you pay more attention to her) but you may want
to see if she is doing other things to keep her options
open. I actually think it may not be unreasonable to
do something like tell her you are having lunch with a
woman friend next week and see how she reacts. That
assumes you have a reasonably attractive woman friend
you can have lunch with and that you can pull this off
reasonably.
\_ What she is doing is wrong. I would suggest you do the following.
(1) forgive her
(2) stop snooping
(3) love her more
\_ "Yes it's true... This man has no dick."
(4) don't play games or tests
(5) be happy, enjoy life
(6) if something similar happens, tell her how it makes you
worried and sad.
worried and sad. no, you are not being overly-possessive
(7) browse http://www.family.org (warning: christian site)
(8) continue to observe (no snooping) and get to know her
better
Email makes discretion and a double life easier. You are not
married but for married couples, for topics that get more personal,
emails to a person of the opposite gender should CC both of your
emails to a person of the opposite gender should consider CCing
spouses, generally speaking. |
| 5/24 |
|
| www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html SIRC Guide to Flirting What Social Science can tell you about flirting and how to do it Why do we flirt? Flirting is much more than just a bit of fun: it is a universal and essen tial aspect of human interaction. Anthropological research shows that fl irting is to be found, in some form, in all cultures and societies aroun d the world. This is not surprisin g: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human spec ies would become extinct. According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the fo undation of civilisation as we know it. They argue that the large human brain - our superior intelligence, complex language, everything that dis tinguishes us from animals - is the equivalent of the peacock's tail: a courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners. Our achi evements in everything from art to rocket science may be merely a side-e ffect of the essential ability to charm. Like every other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of unwritten laws of etiquette. These rules dictate where, when, with whom and in what manner we flirt. We generally obey these unofficial laws in stinctively, without being conscious of doing so. We only become aware of the rules when someone commits a breach of this e tiquette - by flirting with the wrong person, perhaps, or at an inapprop riate time or place. Chatting up a widow at her husband's funeral, for e xample, would at the very least incur disapproval, if not serious distre ss or anger. This is a very obvious example, but the more complex and subtle aspects o f flirting etiquette can be confusing - and most of us have made a few e mbarrassing mistakes. Research shows that men find it particularly diffi cult to interpret the more subtle cues in women's body-language, and ten d to mistake friendliness for sexual interest. Another problem is that in some rather Puritanical cultures, such as Brit ain and North America, flirting has acquired a bad name. Some of us have become so worried about causing offence or sending the wrong signals th at we are in danger of losing our natural talent for playful, harmless f lirtation. So, to save the human race from extinction, and preserve the foundations of civilisation, Martini commissioned Kate Fox at the Social Issues Rese arch Centre to review and analyse all the scientific research material o n interaction between the sexes, and produce a definitive guide to the a rt and etiquette of enjoyable flirting. Psychologists and social scientists have spent many years studying every detail of social intercourse between men and women. Until now, their fas cinating findings have been buried in obscure academic journals and heav y tomes full of jargon and footnotes. This Guide is the first to reveal this important information to a popular audience, providing expert advic e on where to flirt, who to flirt with and how to do it. Where to flirt Parties Flirting is most socially acceptable at parties, celebrations and social occasions/functions. At some such events (eg Christmas/New Year partie s) a degree of flirtatious behaviour is not only socially sanctioned, bu t almost expected. This is because most parties, celebrations, carnivals and festivals are g overned by a special code of behaviour which anthropologists call 'cultu ral remission' - a temporary, structured relaxation of normal social con trols and restrictions. This might just sound like a fancy way of saying 'letting your hair down' , but it isn't. There are ru les of behaviour at even the wildest carnival - although they may involv e a complete reversal of normal, everyday social etiquette. Flirtatious behaviour which is normally frowned upon may be actively required, and p rissy refusal to participate may incur disapproval. Drinking-places Flirting is also socially acceptable in some public settings, usually whe re alcohol is served - such as bars, pubs, night-clubs, discos, wine bar s, restaurants, etc. One survey showed that 27% of British couples first met their current partner in a pub, and alcohol was voted the most effe ctive aid to flirting by respondents in the Martini Flirting Survey. Flirting in drinking-places is, however, subject to more conditions and r estrictions than at parties. In pubs, for example, the area around the b ar counter is universally understood to be the 'public zone', where init iating conversation with a stranger is acceptable, whereas sitting at a table usually indicates a greater desire for privacy. Tables furthest fr om the bar counter are the most 'private' zones. As a rule-of-thumb, the more food-oriented establishments or 'zones' tend to discourage flirting between strangers, while those dedicated to drin king or dancing offer more socially sanctioned flirting opportunities. R estaurants and food-oriented or 'private' zones within drinking-places a re more conducive to flirting between established partners. Learning-places Schools, colleges, universities and other educational establishments are hot-beds of flirting. This is largely because they are full of young sin gle people making their first attempts at mate selection. Learning-places are also particularly conducive to flirting because the s hared lifestyle and concerns of students, and the informal atmosphere, m ake it easy for them to initiate conversation with each other. Simply by being students, flirting partners automatically have a great deal in co mmon, and do not need to struggle to find topics of mutual interest. Flirting is officially somewhat more restricted in learning-places than i n drinking-places, as education is supposed to take priority over purely social concerns, but in many cases the difference is not very noticeabl e Taking a course or evening class may in fact provide more opportuniti es for relaxed, enjoyable flirting than frequenting bars and night-clubs . Workplace At work, flirting is usually acceptable only in certain areas, with certa in people and at specific times or occasions. There are no universal law s: each workplace or working environment has its own unwritten etiquette governing flirtatious behaviour. In some companies, the coffee machine or cafeteria may be the unofficial 'designated flirting zones', other companies may frown on any flirting d uring office hours, or between managers and staff, while some may have a long-standing tradition of jokingly flirtatious morning greetings. Careful observation of colleagues is the best way to discover the unspoke n flirting etiquette of your own workplace - but make sure that you are guided by the behaviour of the most highly regarded individuals in the c ompany, not the office 'clown', 'groper' or 'bimbo'. Participant sports/hobbies Almost any participant sport or hobby can involve flirting. The level of flirtatious behaviour, however, often tends to be inversely related to t he standards achieved by participants and their enthusiasm for the activ ity. There are of course exceptions to this rule, but before joining a team or club, it is worth trying to find out if the members have burning ambi tions to play in the national championships or win prestigious awards fo r their handiwork. If you are mainly looking for flirting opportunities, avoid these high-flying groups, and seek out clubs full of happy, socia ble under-achievers. Spectator events Although they have the advantage of providing conversation topics of mutu al interest, most sporting events and other spectator pastimes such as t heatre or cinema are not particularly conducive to flirting, as social i nteraction is not the primary purpose of the occasion, and social contac t may limited to a short interval or require 'missing the action'. The most striking exception to this rule is horseracing, where all the 'a ction' takes place in just a few minutes, the half-hour interval between races is dedicated to sociability, and friendly interaction between str angers is actively encouraged by racecourse etiquette. In fact, our own recent research on the behaviour of racegoers indicates that the 'social micro-climate' of the racecourse makes it one of... |
| www.family.org Go to article Why you should teach your children to organize their ro om as soon as they can walk and talk. Go to article When Liz learned her husband was having an affair, she didn't believe anyone could help put her marriage back together not ev en God. Go to article Even before becoming a mother, my biggest fear was that if I became a stay-at-home mom, my brain would turn to mush. Go to article When her older sister returns home, like the prodigal s on, the only thing Kayla wants to do is tell her sister off because she hurt everyone. James Dobson Dorothy Patterson talks about the role of a godly wi fe and explains how a wife can best complement her husband. For a movie about a religious war, theres little f aith to be found onscreen. Instead, Ridley Scott brings a 21st century w orldview to this tale of knightly heroism and chivalry. Bill Mandating Embryonic Stem Cell Research Introduced by Bill Wilson, Washington, DC, correspondent The legislation would require the government to fund research that destro ys human life. Join Friends of the Family Discover how your investment in family ministry can be even more meaningf ul and convenient! |