newscenter.berkeley.edu
Oski Declaring that "Berkeley is no place for a bear," Oski abruptly resigned Friday as Cal's curiously humanoid standard-bearer. "I feel I'v e awoken from a long hibernation," explained the erstwhile ursine booste r Campus animal rights activists hailed the move.
John Yoo The placid rituals of spring training wer e disrupted by the announcement of an exchange of superstars between per ennial overachiever UC Berkeley and scrappy underdog Colorado University . In a straight-up trade of marquee names, Berkeley will send right-hand ed flamethrower John Yoo to Colorado in exchange for CU's lefty spitball er Ward Churchill.
Campanile gets solar-powered, digital facelift In an effort to halt the insidious creep of "Berkeley time," the Campanil e's wooden hands and clock face, which always lagged several minutes beh ind the actual hour, have been replaced by a massive LCD screen.
Birgenoh B&B Following recent state budget cuts, Chancellor Robert Bu rgineau and his wife, Mary Catherine, announced that they will be openin g a bed-and-breakfast facility at their residence, University House, to pay for its continued upkeep. One night in a tastefully appointed "Burge nau Bears" room: $189.
Harvard's Summers appointed new dean of women Embattled Harvard University President Lawrence Summers has accepted an o ffer to become Dean of Women at UC Berkeley. Campus spokeswoman Ivanu Ne ujob said it's believed certain "innate abilities" would permit Summers to "deal with" Berkeley's distaff instructors.
Doan Loocatmephunni Triple major Doan Loocatmephunni began his campai gn for University Medalist at the age of four as an understudy to Mother Teresa. In high school he invented an underwater cell phone and then le d a hostile takeover of his school board. At Berkeley he sports a GPA of 63, which "would be higher except for that business ethics course I to tally blew."
Smart cat In a surprising twist, a new study of companion animals sho ws that cats are twice as capable as dogs of understanding voice command s Research by animal behaviorist Phelan Frr found that cats when th ey felt like it outperformed dogs at executing complex, coordinated ta sks such as opening doors, windows, and Tupperware containers.
L&S reorg punctuated by dispute The College of Letters & Science has announced its pending reorganization , consolidating its current four divisions into just two: The College of Those Who Think "Letters" and "Science" Should Be Conjoined by an Amper sand, and a College of Those Who Think Thats Really, Really Dumb.
George Lakoff After an unexplained weeklong absence, cognitive lingui stics professor George Lakoff announced that he would be changing his pa rty affiliation to the GOP. Lakoff, a prominent Democratic consultant, d enied rumors that he had been held captive by Republican strategist Karl Rove, claiming the two families often vacation together in Guantanamo B ay. "What he said about self-discipline finally started to resonate," La koff said.
With UC Berkeley's endorsement of Segway scooters as the only form of wheeled transportation allowed on campus, the online tutorial "Segway f or Physicists" is your ticket to commuting nirvana.
Berkeley's annual open house faces postponement because of the myster ious disappearance of every gamelan on campus. "It wouldnt be Cal Day w ithout gamelan players underfoot every damn where you go," said event co ordinator Diana Musto. "Plus, they help drown out the racket from the ca rillon."
|
http://csua.com/feed/