www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4049
OPINION Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours Chuck Lager By Chuck Lager Advertisement Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newsp aper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Your grades have been sli pping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obs ession of yours has become a problem. You can debate with me and defend yourself all you want, but it's evident to your mother and me that your interest borders on unhealthy. You lie awake at night making up fantas y scenarios about what kind of decisions William Rehnquist might make in the matter of Jill L Brown, Acting Warden v Charles Payton. I mean, y ou get more excited about the first Monday in October than your friends do about Super Bowl Sunday! Son, you shouldn't plan your life around the start of the new Supreme Court term. Okay, name one thing you do, besides sleeping or eating, that doesn't inv olve the Supreme Court. If you had your way, you'd be up in your room, cutting pictures of your favorite justices out of the Washington Post to add to your mural, which is another thing we need to discuss. It's perfectly natural to go through a Supreme Court phase. I remember spending hours in the libra ry poring over orders of the Court. I spent nights lying in bed imaginin g I was presiding with Warren Burger or John Jay. I even had quite a col lection of court drawings from the Furman v Georgia case thatwell, I t hink I was able to get them because my friend's dad knew someone who kne w a lawyer. But here's the difference: Even though I was an enormous fan of the Supre me Court, I had other interests. I k ept up on the appellate and state courts and played basketball with frie nds. I had some of my favorite opinions up on the wall, much like you do , but I also had a couple of pictures of hot rods and a poster of Mia Fa rrow. Look at your roomthere's nothing but collages of court justices t hrough the years. Your floor is covered with printouts of opinions and d issents. You spend all night on the Internet holding mock Supreme Court hearings in the chat rooms. I don't want to say it's not normal, but I d o think it's behavior we need to evaluate. Do you think we do n't know when Court TV airs major Supreme Court decisions? Son, everybod y is interested in what the Supreme Court has to say, but you can't skip school just so you can watch the outcome of United States v Galetti. W hy can't you be more like everyone else and read it the next day on page 42 in the newspaper? Your mother and I thought if we talked to you, we might be able to show y ou just how far you've sunk into this Supreme Court obsession. We're taking awa y your computer, and I'm going to talk to the school librarian, so if yo u think you can look at Supreme Court information at school, you've got another think coming. If I catch you with so much as a stay application, you'll be grounded for a month! You're still free to read about the appellate courts, and of course I won 't take your law reviews. But if you behave, m aybe your mother and I will let you have your copy of Closed Chambers af ter a month or two. This isn't easy for me, either, but crying isn't goi ng to help. Let's see if you can stay away from the Supreme Court for si x months. The Supreme Court is the most important judicial bo dy in America, but it isn't everything. I'm sure you'll find plenty of t hings to occupy your time. Well, you'd better, because for the next six months, you are going to be Antonin Scalia and Sandra Day O'Connor-free, whether you like it or not.
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