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| 7/13 |
| 2003/5/30-31 [Recreation/Media] UID:28577 Activity:high |
5/30 The best Matrix:Reloaded review you'll ever see:
http://maddox.xmission.com/matrix2.html
\_ Also damn good:
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/matrix50.html
\_ This idiot lost any credibility with his first point.
And I hated Matrix:Reloaded.
\_ I think he was trying to be facetious, but sadly,
he forgot to include the actual humor.
\_ You might mention that this has the spoiler for the ending of the
movie. I'd avoided up until now. Thanks a lot.
\_ Fairly sure that "ending" is a joke ... like the rest of
the site. Lighten up.
\_ I'll let you know after I see the movie.
\_ Nice site.
\_ Also http://www.aubie.com/quick/reloaded.html
\_ Yay: I didn't even toot my own horn! -=Aubie
\_ What's wrong with you? Everyone else does.
\_ What a shitty movie. I asked for (and got) a refund.
\_ oh it wasn't that bad. you suck
\_ Was there a way you asked for a refund? I've always wanted to
try it but never had the balls to.
\_ Uh. Have balls?
\_ start with one ball. then invoke the axiom of choice...
\_ there is no ball. |
| 7/13 |
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| maddox.xmission.com/matrix2.html Four things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded I'm not going to review this movie like I normally would, but instead, I'll point out a few ways the Wachowski Brothers could have improved the movie. While it wasn't the holocaust that was Star Wars: Episode I, it was a let down even if you had low expectations: packed full of "deep" philosophical notions, straight out of a Philosophy 101 class full of aging hippies with nappy haircuts. I hate to say it, but they some how managed to make fight scenes boring (something I didn't think was physically possible until I watched this movie--they were too long with no pay off, unless you consider Neo running away like a pussy in every scene a pay off). I know most of you who liked this movie are probably reading this and saying "STUPID MADOX sic ! There are going to be websites popping up left and right trying to justify this movie, trying to rationalize everything, but there's one thing all these geeks are forgetting: just because a movie makes sense, doesn't mean it's good. There are plenty of movies that make sense, and are about as entertaining as a box of pig shit. So without further ado, here's how the movie could have been improved: A better actor than Keanu Reeves 1. Replacing Keanu Reeves with a wooden plank with a mean face on it. The subtle point here is the mean face: without it, Reeves would be on par with a wooden plank, except a bit more rigid. He approaches every scene with the steadfast determination of a moron running into a wall. I have a theory as to why Keanu's acting is so shitty: a long time ago when he "made it big" with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a lot of people were probably trying to kiss his ass because he became a huge celebrity and people are shallow, so they have to fill their boring lives with trivial bullshit like clinging onto celebrities. Since then, he has surrounded himself by suck-ups, and everyone's too afraid to tell him that his acting sucks. It's never going to change, because Keanu (what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a foreign car company) keeps surrounding himself by suck-ups, so he'll keep making shitty movies forever. At least if they replaced him with a wooden plank, the plank would have an excuse to have the same stupid look on its face all the time. The only way to enjoy The Matrix Reloaded I wouldn't have minded this movie so much if I would have remembered to bring my Game Boy Advance to the theater. Nothing fancy, just a good old fashioned pole polishing. A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not to see The Matrix: Reloaded. A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not to see The Matrix Reloaded Even if you disagree with everything bad I've said about this movie, there's one point I think everyone can agree on: Keanu Reeves' ass does not need to be seen, ever. Not only do they show you his pasty white ass, they do it in the most contemptible way possible: right after a titty scene. There's an acceptable degree to how many times his ass can be shown in a movie, and that degree is either 0, or negative (negative means that Keanu Reeves' ass gets cut off, which would rule). On a side note, in case you get in an argument with a Matrix nerd cult member, the "Keanu's ass" argument always wins. It's like playing rock, paper, scissors and sucker punch to the throat. Try it: next time a Matrix nerd starts rambling on about "Christological symbolism" and other geeky shit that nobody cares about, just say the magic words. I guarantee you'll either win the argument, or give the impression that you're an acute homophobe. |
| www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/matrix50.html Neo dies and is resurrected in the original film, as a symbol of Christ's sacrifice to save mankind, the Wachowskis being in love with the idea of religious symbolism in their kung fu movies (notice that Morpheus wears sunglasses without earpieces, just like Allah). According to them, therefore, Jesus, having been resurrected and taking his place as an invulnerable deity on Earth, will later die again in order to accomplish the exact same thing we all thought he had accomplished the first time around. I guess it's a good thing for us lost souls that your so-called "God" doesn't need sequels. After spending every second of the first two films setting up the machines as evil, murderous slavemasters with predatory dreadlocked sentinels slithering through the darkness, we're forced to buy into a truce between man and machine in the last scene? And what about the little girl in the film, supposedly the first love child merging man and machine? Boy, it's a good thing they based the entire second film around Neo keeping her alive. War crimes Seraph is revealed to be a former one, as most of us guessed by his stand-off fight with Neo. What is not mentioned is that this man is also responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Zionites in some previous incarnation of The Matrix since he obviously chose the other door in The Architect's TV shop. And, being Japanese, we must ask if he pleasured himself at the thought of all that death? Great plan for defending Zion, using those mechs to try to shoot the sentinels out of the air using machine guns, a technology available since 1939. If these are leftover scraps from the great war between machines and man, how could they continually hold off the same force that defeated the original army at full strength? Maybe the Merovingian isn't the only machine who's also French. So we find out Neo was able to defeat the sentinels in Reloaded through a vague kind of telekinesis (you should have known, from the well-bent spoon handed to Neo by his young stalker in Zion). That would be fine, except there is no such thing as telekinesis. Here's proof: try to bend a nearby object with your mind. Now try to shut down the nearest robot using the same method. Two actors were abruptly cut from the third film's cast before production ended, both female minorities. Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for Revolutions. They didn't test well with the predominantly white Matrix audiences? So Agent Smith takes a human body, and the first thing we see him do is cut his palms, presumably in order to punish himself for his newfound masturbation ability? I think I'll skip the Reloaded DVD deleted scenes, thank you very much. The Matrix Murders The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequels? Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity. In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars. In what had to be the most ridiculous product placement deal in history, Kentucky Fried Chicken paid Warner Bros. Reloaded Ridiculousness Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off. Can we please have just one major studio movie without a trick ending? I won't reveal it because some of you have requested that I not, but Revolutions has a shocking surprise near the end that the studio has bent over backwards (probably in slow-motion, while dodging bullets) to conceal. All I'll say is that it has to do with the surprise return of a certain treacherous character who we all thought was dead in the first film. Reloaded Ridiculousness, 2 The machines added two new enemies for Neo in Reloaded, called the Twins. Their first priority is to blend discreetly into the simulated world of the Matrix, to walk among the people unnoticed. So of course the Matrix made them huge albino men with bleach-white dreadlocks who occasionally transform into shrieking wraiths. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon. Ironic that a film meant for no-attention-span kids also had a no-attention-span editor. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 2 After they sucked the "bug" out of Neo's abdomen, where was the gaping bloody hole the thing should have left? Even if Trinity had the medical training to re-tie the knot in his navel, we certainly didn't see her do it. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 3 In the same scene, the "bug" is casually discarded in the street. Better hope no one comes along and steps on the squirming, burrowing thing with their bare feet. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4 You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 5 Neo can move faster than sound, yet can't move blindingly through bullet time and simply disarm the security guards rather than slaughtering them? It looks like Neo learned his disarming techniques from George W. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 6 Neo and his crew can generate an infinite number of guns in the construct, but can't come up with non-lethal weapons such as long-range tasers and sleeping gas? Would not the "exciting" skyscraper shootout have been just as exciting if the two had been armed with the Vomit Sticks from Minority Report? The Matrix: Reconsidered, 7 You are a hard-working single mother, making ends meet by doing time as a secretary in an office building during the day, a drug-store clerk in the evenings. You are on the office phone with the babysitter one quiet Wednesday afternoon, telling her how to calm little Dakota down, to get her to stop crying her eyes out asking why Mommy is never home, telling her that you'll be there soon, honey. A split-second later your head is severed by a shattered helicopter rotor blade, the skull bouncing off a nearby wall, leaving a spray of arterial blood on a motivational poster. Your eyes bulge wide, your brain inside remaining alive just long enough to recognize the horror of your fate. Aviation fuel splashes in through the shattered windows and ignites, incinerating mothers, husbands, fathers, best friends. And somewhere, a theater full of young, chubby males cheers because Trinity made it out before the crash. Either his death, or your own death, would have unimaginable consequences for the entire living world. So, once you're inside and riding up the lift, it's a good idea to go ahead and set the building on fire by dropping a bomb on the first floor. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 10 It's the film's climactic battle between Agent Smith and Neo. It begins with Agent Smith walking down the subway platform toward Neo. They fight for what seems like an hour, back and forth, an epic battle of good and evil. Neo takes a beating, comes back, finds his courage, becomes The One. I'd like a refund of the last fifteen minutes of my life. It would be like if at the end of Rocky, after sitting through the whole film, the main character just lost the fight anyway. An hour into the film, as I observed what dreck we were wading in, I walked up and stood before the screen and tried to explain to the audience that this vomitus was below their dignity. I was greeted by some of the most vulgar insults imaginable, until some began throwing objects and one man even knocked my pipe from my hand. Do you wish to be associated with a group of such character? By their fruits ye shall know the staff, too After the abov... |
| www.aubie.com/quick/reloaded.html Matrix Reloaded: Rewrite May 13, 2003 Matrix Reloaded: Summary, some spoilers. Trinity: Not only am I a 1337 h@X0/Z, I am also hot, dress in black leather/latex/skintight clothes, and I can shoot with one uzi in each hand at a starchy white young badguy dude while jumping backwards out of a tall building. Neo: I would declare this a foreshadowing dream, but even if I had a good enough script, I'm a lousy actor who's here to draw the girl quotient, even though I might be gay and I have a matching sweater with David Geffen. Cue hyperchoreographed fight scenes which remind me of ballet wherein if you don't get off on the display of dexterity and set blocking you may find completely devoid of tension. Don't forget to leave the camera zoomed in too close so you can't get a good view of motion & everything is a blur, thus partially ruining hyperchoreographed beauty. Insert cool computer grafix of Zion & bounce script over to Star Trek dept. Put both guys and girls in sheer tops so we can see their nipples. Nerds: I bow before your greatness, even though you don't know how to use a computer and are presented to us as a 1337 h@X0/Z. Neo: I thought your part was supposed to be played by Jet Li. Seraph: I could kick your ass if I wanted to, but I won't since it isn't in the script. Neo: I wonder if there's a computer program in the next movie called San-Seraph. Oracle: You guys are going to piss your pants in the next scene. Oracle: What's really going to burst your bubble is: you wouldn't bring a colostomy bag to this movie even if I told you to. Cue cool computer graphics and live action mix of Neo fighting Agent Smith that we've all burnt out our hard drives on from watching the downloadable trailer. Renderman: Oh yeah: well try doing that on the same hardware I did Monsters Inc. Delete: Redundant bad dialogue about Agent Smith being able to copy himself. Keyser Soze: Hello I'm a trite representation of what an ignorant American believes a pompous European would act like. I will now prove it by saying less than twenty words in French and sum up by concluding: It is like wiping your ass with silk. I get to make out with Persephone while my girlfriend watches! Trinity: I'd like to point out that this entire movie has set me up to get fucked in the end. Wachkowskis: Yeah, we just finished watching Crouching Tiger with Joel Silver when we were writing this script and we couldn't get Michele Yeoh out of our nightly masturbatory fantasies, or get Chow Yun-Fat to play Morpheus. When you're done you can make a fortune from a lifetime of Star Trek-like Matrix Conventions, signing thousands of autographs for fanboys who dream of taking off your skin tight black clothing. We need to reshoot the scene where you get nekkid again. Trinity: Do I really have to chase this short asian dude down a long hallway so they can get a shot of my ass while I'm running in skintight black clothing? Agent Smith: Yes, I get a 10% bonus if we have to reshoot more than twenty times. I'll be sitting over there where I can get a good view of you. CG Ghost Dudes: Regardless of how cool we are, we empathize with your plight to not be objectified while we objectify you. Neo: Holdon, I have to do cool wire acrobatics in gratuitous slow-mo. Merovingian: Your gratuitous slow-mo has intimidated me. If I could stop doing drugs I might not look as wide as the semi I'm standing on. I hope nobody watched the first movie lately, so they could get a comparison. Look at me do scenes which they show backwards so it makes me seem like I'm doing amazing stunts! We would also like to include shameless plugs for the Escalade at this time. Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for. Keymaster: If I pull on your heartstrings, will you care? Keymaster: If a tree fell in the forest, what is the sound of one hand clapping? Source: I should be played by Donald Sutherland, but since they couldn't get him, and I look kind of like him, they'll hand me an excessive amount of dialogue to let you know that the mindgames go a level more shallow than the nerds had given you credit for. Wachowskis: Naw, a cameo of his caliber would be a distraction. Neo: I know you've got a bullet lodged in you, but I can't help but put my hand all over your breast as you lie there on a concrete slab in skintight black leather/latex/itdoesn'treallymatter. Trinity: Even with blood on my face I'd like to point out how super cute I am. Trinity: Didn't you and David Geffen go shopping and buy matching sweaters? Wachowskis: We will now conclude this broadcast with hit-you-over-the-head obviousness before printing: "To be concluded" thereby admitting that it wasn't actually a trilogy when we origionally concieved it, but boy, we really like money, so we see why George is already planning Episode 7. Don't forget to stomach the headache music we put at the end because after the credits is a Matrix Revolutions teaser. |