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| 2003/5/14-15 [Recreation/Dating] UID:28436 Activity:very high 66%like:10300 |
5/13 To the married people here, at what age did you get married?
30 wife is 14
29 -ax
29, wife was 25 -some guy
26, wife was 23 - some other guy
26 --erikred
born pregnant
23
30, wife was 29
22 -emarkp (wife was 22 also)
\_ are you nuts?
\_ We just enjoyed the birth of our second child, and are planning
our 30th birthday parties/8th anniversary. Why would I be nuts?
-emarkp
\_ it doesn't seem young to you? -23 and freaked out
about commitment
\_ Nope.
\_ they're also mormon, no?
\_ Yes, we are, and that's actually important. Same life
goals, few differences of philosophy. That reduced the
concerns we might have with a long-term relationship.
-emarkp
\_ it also motivates people to marry young so they can
bonk... which they wouldnt otherwise be able to do.
\_ Like people who want to "bonk" need more
motivation...
29, wife was 28. - yet some other guy
\_ seems like most are < 30. Does anyone marry after 30 over here?
\_ How large is the pool of people > 30 here?
\_ Interesting that all the women are younger. My love interest is
older than I am. Also, I'm 30 and not married yet.
\_ There's nothing wrong with marriage at 22. People who are freaked
out about commitment are either a) immature or b) haven't found
the right person yet. It's often both. It's hard to describe
this feeling of love for a person you know you want to spend
the rest of your life with. You'll know it when you find her. :-)
-happily married guy
-happily married gay
\_ See what happens in 10 years.
\_ BDG is that you?!?!
\_ You are gay.
\_ You're right, there's nothing wrong with marriage at 22 IF
both of you are remarkably mature. The thing is (and don't
hate me for saying this, but) most 22s only think they're
remarkably mature. If you're 22 and thinking about marriage
but are not required to do so by your religious convictions,
wait and live in a sin together a while first. Then, after
a couple of years, you'll know whether you really want to
spend the rest of your life with someone who squeezes the
toothpaste tube the wrong way, snores, and hates it when
drink directly from the milk carton.
\_ I totally disagree. A long time ago I read somewhere (can't
find the source anymore) that people who live together before
they get married have a higher divorce rate after they get
married. One of the reasons was that because they still had
this mentality of splitting up if things don't work out. And
that's the main reason why people live together and don't get
married. Believe it or not, there are people in the world
that believe in the sanctity of marriage. And that marriage
is forever. There will be problems. But if both of you are
committed, they can all be worked out. -happily married guy
\_ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025b_qa.html
http://www.frc.org/get/if00h4.cfm
obGoogle
\_ While it is certainly true that people who cohabitate
are more likely to get divorced, I think you are confusing
correlation with causation. Divorce rates have stabalized
since the 80s, yet cohabitation rates have increased.
http://www.virginia.edu/topnews/textonlyarchive/February_1999/Economists.txt
\_ Are those the major problems that people encounter in
relationships? I'm sure people divorce for more serious
reasons than those.
\_ and some divorce for even less serious reasons. this
sounds like a statement by a 22 year old who has it
all figured out.
\_ The top two reasons for divorce are: 1) infidelity and 2)
money problems.
\_ The younger you are when you get married, the more likely
you are to end up divorced.
\_ And you have a study to quote to back this up?
\_ There are dozens, just look. Here is one:
http://www.eharmony.com/core/eharmony?cmd=ncw-articles&article=3 |
| 4/7 |
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| www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025b_qa.html Harley, I've often heard that living together before marriage is perilous and that statistics bear that out. I told him what I've heard but have not actually seen these statistics. If it's not too much trouble I would appreciate any hard info on these stats and their sources. Since I have not published any of these, nor do I intend to publish them, I'll direct you to some recent studies done by others. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together. But they also point out that the risk of divorce is even higher if you don't live together more than three years prior to marriage. The longer you live together prior to marriage, the less the risk of divorce until after 8 years of living together, when the risk of divorce is equal to those who have not lived together. Another interesting study was conducted by Hall and Zhao (Cohabitation and Divorce in Canada, Journal of Marriage and the Family, May 1995: 421-427). They write, The popular belief that cohabitation is an effective strategy in a high-divorce society rests on the common-sense notion that getting to know one another before marrying should improve the quality and stability of marriage. However, in this instance, it is looking more and more as if common sense is a poor guide. Their study showed that cohabitation itself was shown to account for a higher divorce rate, rather than factors that might have led to cohabitation, such as parental divorce, age at marriage, stepchildren, religion, and other factors. In other words, other factors being equal, you are much more likely to divorce if you live together first. DeMaris and MacDonald (Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Instability: A Test of the unconventionality Hypothesis, Journal of Marriage and the Family, May 1993: 399-407), echo Hall and Zhao. They found that the unconventionality of those who live together does not explain their subsequent struggle when married. There is something about living together first that creates marital problems later. They write: Despite a widespread public faith in premarital cohabitation as a testing ground for marital incompatibility, research to date indicates that cohabitors' marriages are less satisfactory and more unstable than those of noncohabitors. Undoubtedly there are some self-selection factors that make people who live together more prone to marital problems later. But the gist of current research is that these factors are not enough to explain the astonishingly huge effect. Simply stated, if you live together before marriage, you will be fighting an uphill battle to save your marriage. If you like to spend your evenings hidden among the periodicals of your local library, here are some other studies that show how risky it is to live together before marriage: Balakrishnan, Rao, et. Cohabitation with the future spouse: Its influence upon marital satisfaction and communication. Premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital stability in the United States: A reassessment. Cohabitation and marital stability in the United States. Cohabitation and marital stability: Quality or commitment? Worth Looking Into 41 The Marriage Builders^ Home Study Course | 42 Fall In Love, Stay In Love 43 The Marriage Builders^ Reminder Series Most Popular Links 44 The Marriage Builders Discussion Forum 45 How to Survive Infidelity 46 The Most Important Emotional Needs 47 Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts 48 Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 - How Do Affairs Begin? Harley's Basic Concepts 50 Love Busters 51 The Emotional Needs Questionnaire 52 Q&A Columns 53 The Policy of Joint Agreement 54 Home | 55 Site Tour | 56 Meet Dr. |
| www.frc.org/get/if00h4.cfm -> www.frc.org/get.cfm?c=SEARCH_PUB&i=IF00H4&old_url=get%2Fif00h4%2Ecfm To return to Family Research Council's homepage, 79 click here. |
| www.virginia.edu/topnews/textonlyarchive/February_1999/Economists.txt ECONOMISTS CHALLENGE NOTION THAT LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE LEADS TO DIVORCE Does cohabitation before marriage make it more likely or less likely that couples will divorce? Recent research has found that couples who live together before marrying are more likely than others to divorce. But economists at the University of Virginia and the University of Michigan are challenging recent interpretations that cohabitation prior to marriage is the actual cause of the increased likelihood of divorce. They have created a mathematical model that contradicts a cause-and-effect relationship suggested by a recently published study of the National Marriage Project based at Rutgers University. The authors are among social scientists nationwide who have turned their attention to analyzing the increasing number of couples choosing to live together outside of marriage. Stern, Brien and Lillard sought to understand this social trend by constructing an economic model that factors in the quality of relationships. The theoretical model produced results that are consistent with current data on marriage and divorce, the researchers said. The divorce rate has been stable since 1980, while the number of couples living together outside of marriage has been increasing. Television reporters should contact the TV News Office at (804) 924-7550. |
| www.eharmony.com/core/eharmony?cmd=ncw-articles&article=3 Not long ago, a young couple named David and Cassandra came to see me for premarital counseling. After all, occasionally even eighteen-year-olds can be surprisingly mature. But the truth became clear when I asked some specific questions, such as how David envisioned his life in ten years. But I'm not really sure what I'll choose to do for a career or where we might live or any of that. All I know is that if Cassandra and I are together, we'll be fine. They fumbled for answers and always returned to their "love-will-see-us-through" theme. Finally I said them, "Look, as a psychologist I try to tell the truth as clearly as I know how, and the truth is this: All those warm, tender feelings you have for each other are important and necessary for marriage. The fact is, whenever a couple in their early twenties or younger comes to me and declares their plans to marry, a neon sign in my mind flashes Danger! I know the divorce rate for couples under twenty is incredibly high (between 80 and 85%). Social scientists have found that people who marry young are seldom prepared for marital roles. That depends on many factors-maturity level, ability to earn a living, progress in education, and so on. But we can say for sure that, statistically, marriages seem to be much more stable when they begin no earlier than the mid-twenties. As a matter of fact, a recent study indicates that the most stable marriages of all have a "starting date" of twenty-eight years of age. In their book, Marriage and the Family, researchers Marcia and Tom Lasswell conclude: "Divorce rates are lowest for men and women who marry for the first time at age 28 or later. Until they can identify themselves in a precise and detailed way, they are in no position to identify the person to move through life with them. In our culture, the identifying process usually requires most of the first twenty-five to twenty-eight years of life. Identity formation is incomplete until individuals have emotionally separated from their parents and discovered the details of their own uniqueness. Prior to their mid-twenties, most young adults haven't defined their goals and needs. The statistic that never fails to hit me with a jolt is this: The divorce rate for those who marry at twenty-one or twenty-two is exactly double the divorce rate for those who marry at twenty-four or twenty-five. Sometimes the self-identifying task takes even longer than twenty-five years. It's not uncommon for two middle-aged persons to marry with little understanding of who they are as individuals. When your identity process is well developed-when you are clearly in touch with the person you truly are-the task of selecting the right marriage partner becomes significantly easier. Some couples seem intent on convincing me they're ready for marriage at a young age, that people have married young for eons, and it worked out fine for them. I'm sure that was true in some eras, probably when the general population wasn't expected to live past forty or fifty. But consider: In 1890, the average age of American males at first marriage was slightly over twenty-six years. The average age at marriage for females is higher now than at any time in our history, and there is a slow, upward trend. If you do, your selection of a mate will be based on the "totally grown up you" and prove to be as good twenty or thirty years from now as it is today. Neil Warren is a psychologist and popular speaker based in Pasadena, Calif. His best-selling books include Finding the Love of Your Life and How to Know if Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less. |