7/11    how dangerous are turtles?  if one of the bigger ones attacks my
        kayak, will I be able to defend myself with my paddle?
        \_ Turtles are usually harmless.  However, there are a few species
           in genus Terrapene Dinocarnivorus and Clemmus Giganticus which have
           been classified as extremely dangerous.  These species feed on
           large surface-floating objects, such as bull seals--as they are
           at home both in salt- and freshwater environments, individuals
           examples weighing up to 900 pounds have been spotted in a variety
           of North American rivers.  Interestingly enough, they do not attack
           turquoise or pink kayaks;  however, the frequent incidents
           involving humans can often result in death or dismemberment.  In
           ocean environments, these behemoths are even more frequently
           deadly, especially when encountered during a waning moon.  Due to
           their heavily carnivorous diet, the animals' highly flatulent
           expectorations can be of a caustic nature, and thus very harmful
           to human mucus membranes.  -John
           \_ They only attack the Swiss so the OP is probably safe. -ausman
        \_ where are you kayaking? tahiti?
        \_ Okay, I'll bite: the turtles in Hawaii may be different from
           the ones where you are going, but I couldn't even chase them
           while snorkling. Turtles are wary of others. I don't think
           they'll attack you while kayaking.
           \_ that's what I was hoping.  I saw waves heading away from
              my kayak that kind of had to be a turtle which indicated it
              was big enough to knock the boat over, and if it was a snapping
              turtle it could kill me then.  i'm not going to start any
              trouble with a turtle on purpose, and i figured it was afraid
              of me also, but i really really don't want a toombstone that
              says "killed by turtle."
              \_ The snapping turtle bites!--More--
                 You die...--More---
           Donatello, but I think that Raphel and the others will easily
                                       \_ Raphael
        \_ Depends on which one attacks you. You might be able to take
           Donatello, but I think that Raphael and the others will easily
           break your paddle and kick your ass.
           \_ Don was always kind of the wussy boy.
           \_ Make sure you don't wear clothing with the Gnome logo, as
              the turtles might mistake you for a member of the Foot clan.
              Then you would really get your ass kicked. (I don't care if
              you are a member of the Cal Tae Kwon Do team, they are NINJAS!)
           \_ Fuck!  Is the Ninja Turtle generation in college already?!
              \_ C0W4BUNG4 D00D!
        \_ There used to be some really big turtles, but they are all dead
           now, so you should be fine.
        \_ Turtles don't attack people.  People attack turtles.  Stay away
           from the turtles.  They're harmless, endangered and almost totally
           defenseless if you can catch them.
               \_ Except for their NINJA weapons!