www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2002/05/08/notes050802.DTL
Which is just fine because they aren't exactly having a parade or serving drinks or bringing in strippers or anything. I have very graciously agreed not to impregnate any teens for the entire week, so far as I know. Not only that, I have officially chosen to serve this worthy cause by sponsoring, on a per-minute basis, some very munificent and warm-hearted "athletes" who are generously donating their time and energy and moist towelettes for a very special marathon, the Masturbate-A-Thon, in celebration of National Masturbation Month. It really is National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy and it really is 72 National Masturbation Month and just because the former is a dryly official completely unsexy government thing and the latter is a brilliant annual pro-sex PR event sponsored by Good Vibrations, which donates all the money from the Masturbate-A-Thon to women's health clinics, doesn't mean they aren't beautifully compatible. Casually do you notice that a day designed to raise awareness about the awful scourge of young pregnant teens pillaging our fine nation just happens to fall smack in the middle of a month designed to celebrate the only type of sex absolutely guaranteed not to get you pregnant, except for maybe phone sex and chat-room sex and we're not counting those because they require the phone company's help and that makes it all weird and wrong, somehow. Whereas National Masturbation Month includes lots of happy verbiage and enthusiastic finger-wiggling and enormous amounts of laughter and humor and genuine sexiness, all couched in a harmless, healthy, safe-sex celebration of the body and spirit, delightfully commingled with a flagrant dismissal of the still-rampant belief that masturbation is somehow amoral and dangerous and wrong and isn't that the Catholic Church still calling masturbation a sin? Seriously, what better way to prevent teen pregnancy than by encouraging healthy masturbation habits? It gets the heart rate up and gets the blood flowing keeps teens off the streets and out of trouble and out of the babysitter and out of their parent's pot and vodka stashes and into their fabulous collection of Penthouse and vibrators and Liquid Silk. Masturbation is nontoxic, noncomedogenic, nonfattening, completely organic, inexpensive, deeply relaxing, almost always better than Budweiser or meth, and is a perfectly patriotic all-American slap in the face to those scary hardline religious terrorist types we hate so much these days, the ones who apparently can't look at a woman's exposed ankles without screaming and shooting someone. Masturbation means freedom, like cheap gas and cable TV and fake Gucci watches. Priests and clergy worldwide are almost universally prohibited from masturbating. Isn't it important to love yourself before you can love another? Isn't it important to learn about the body, feel comfortable in your own skin before groping someone else's, learn the various systems and pleasure zones and what vibrating insertable toy is best for what occasion before you venture out into the angry world? We have no official celebrations of sex in this country, no special days to recognize sexual activity and awareness, no positive and enthusiastic message to send out to hormonally ravaged teens telling them the truth: that sex is wonderful and dazzling and good and you should have as much of it as humanly possible, but only if it's full of respect and humor and protection and consent and superlative technique and maybe some nice scented candles some early Van Halen or Leonard Cohen or Chill Out Lounge Volume III. Don't have sex you wayward slackers but if you really must please please please use a condom or suffer the consequences of a baby or a very unpleasant STD, not to mention the scowling disapproval of a deeply hypocritical adult population, all of whom would love nothing more than to be 17 and carefree and hormonally gluttonous again, if just for a day. She announced on official government stationary that masturbation is healthy and good and should be encouraged, and that teens should have free access to condoms. We now languish under the most sexually uptight, anti-everything administration in five decades. What, you'd rather have them zonking on violent video games and skateboarding across the roof of your car and stealing all your jewelry and griping about you in therapy and having bad sex their whole lives and getting pregnant too soon and turning into Republicans? Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SF Gate, unless it appears on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which it never does. He also writes the Morning Fix, a deeply skewed, thrice-weekly email column and newsletter.
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