kyushu.com/gleaner/editorspick/seppuku.shtml
By Nick May It is hanami time in Japan and readers thoughts turn naturally to ritual disembowelment. Seppuku is highly ritualistic, exquisitely precise and earns you maximum respect from students and potential job interviewers alike. However, to avoid excessive pain, thoroughly internalise this fact: seppuku is all about RITUAL. Often one was not even required to DO anything, merely reaching for the knife was considered to be the act initiating your seconds coup-de-grace (the famous "47 ronin" were despatched thus). In almost all cases death occurred from having the head almost separated from the body. Resistance, remonstrance, show of loyalty, affirmation of the correctness of one's own position, expiation of a crime and the wiping out of disgrace are all perfectly good reasons; After all, even in matters of self disembowelment a man must retain a sense of proportion. We will discuss "basic" seppuku and leave you to furnish your own flourishes. Seppuku absolutely requires a minimum of two participants. Waiting to die from disembowelment is a notoriously drawn out process, very messy and trying for the spectator. Since the Empo era (late 17th century) only loonies such as Mishima and characters in Samurai dramas actually waited for hours to contemplate their entrails by- the-light-of-the-rising-sun - there is no need for you to indulge in anything so vulgarly melodramatic. You will require the services therefore of a Kaishakunin, or "second" whos duty it is to despatch you with a sharp sword at your signal. The exact moment he strikes is entirely for you to decide - obviously the later and more painful your death the better your chances with that next visa. For maximum effect and minimum pain we suggest you fake it. Be sure however that your second has no higher ideals than you, and of course better nerves and swordsmanship. Choosing an appropriate Kaishaku-nin is obviously very important. Beheading being very infra dig points are deducted for actually detaching the head. Make sure your kaishakunin has practiced and perfected the "daki-kubi" cut so that your head is left attached to the body by a short flap of skin. This ensures your face is hidden, demonstrates his prowess with a sword and entirely remove the stigma of decapitation. There are three ritual systems indicating when it is appropriate to strike; Do chat to your kaishaku-nin beforehand and establish precisely when he is to intervene. DON'T rely on a student, in our experience they make lousy kaishikunin - theyve all seen far too many samurai movies and read too few history books. They will almost certainly insist you not only disembowel yourself but write your name in kanji with your own blood on a silken handkerchief given-you-by-fair-virgin-lady ("and no, katakana won't do") before carrying out their ultimate duty. If you are a child, point out that it is customary to strike at the earliest possible moment. As soon as the Sambo tray with the knife is placed before you, allow the kimono to fall open, reach forward, pull the tray toward you, pick up the knife and cut from left to right. The "jumonji", the crosswise cut, may be omitted by colonials but gentlemen will know better. The final upward jerk may result in a "summa cum laude"! Remove the knife, replace it carefully on the Sambo and signal the Kaishaku-nin to proceed. Anise chopsticks should be used to lend a funereal note to this feast of puns. Three slices of pickle should be served, "mikire" means both "three slices" and "cut flesh". In general your friends will try to create an atmosphere of mourning as though you are already dead. Don't be offended - this consideration is intended to put you at your ease! Immediately prior to the act you may be offered a last cup of water (if it is sake it will of course be served with the left hand poured to the left - don't try this at a party, it's rude). Your cup will be filled in two pourings, you must drain the contents in two pairs of two sips. How comforting such intellectual jeux d'esprit at this time! DON'T engage in any of the degenerate forms of seppuku that involve stabbing yourself with a paper fan: they are vulgar and a paper cut can be quite nasty. DO cover the tatami in your apartment or your guarantors will have to replace it and definitely DON'T chew gum or ask for a last cigarette. Be considerate of others and try not to make a lot of noise. The rules for seppuku are as complex as for the tea ceremony, and the result roughly the same;
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