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JOHN CARMAN on TELEVISION -- Teletubbies' Is Here -- Be Very Afraid 21 JOHN CARMAN Monday, April 6, 1998 22 San Francisco Chronicle 23 Chronicle Sections Eh-oh! Teletubbies'' begins its assault on the plush-toy market today. Soon the properly outfitted toddler will probably have bright-colored terry cloth pajamas and be within arm's reach of Teletubby replicas -- Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy and Po. And a few nominal adults will probably be drooling and gurgling too. These Teletubbies are going to grind Barney the purple dinosaur into Barney bits. They're going to spawn Web sites bristling with Teletubby arcana. I wouldn't even rule out the prospect of religious cults. Why do the Teletubbies have those blinking, unformed fetal faces? How about the little TV screens implanted in their bellies? What's the periscope-control mechanism in Teletubbyland? How about the mysterious pinwheel that radiates astral sparks -- or are they truly magic spores? I don't even want to think about the strange sun that shines over Teletubbyland. In fact, I find Teletubbies'' downright frightening, for three reasons. It's a show for infants who will have no conscious memory of it. With its constant repetition, deliberate incoherence and bright visual style that evokes anyone's vaguest, earliest sense of springtime and Easter, Teletubbies'' presumably is exactly what infants want. Second, there are disturbing reports that when Teletubbies'' made its splash in England a year ago, certain noninfants there started combining the TV show with recreational drugs. So why would anyone be dumb enough to do drugs and watch Teletubbies''? It reminds me of Bobcat Goldthwait's old line about Elvis Presley. He wondered why Elvis needed drugs when, with his money, he could hire midgets to perform hallucinations. Third, Teletubbies'' is just plain creepy, and no less so for its surface gentleness. A colleague watched the review tape and had the sharpest observation yet about the show: I find it strangely soothing,'' she said. Po, the littlest Teletubby, comes across a flagpole sporting an aqua flag with an odd serpentine pattern on it. Po and Tinky Winky march up and down hills with this discovery, and between trees. Then they march it into the Teletubby hut, a cavelike dwelling that squats on the verdant Tubbyscape. The flag is snapping above the hut, and all four Teletubbies are laughing and enjoying their good fortune, when the flag inexplicably vanishes. Cut to the sun above, with its baby's face smiling slurpily. What happened to the flag, and what the hell was that all about? Just a little Teleglitch on the face of creation, or something meaningful? The great pinwheel spins, the sun laughs and poof, we're once again the victim of some incomprehensible cosmic joke. Starting April 9th through May 23rd Berkeley Repertory Theatre Bay Area 27 Free Smoked Sockeye Salmon!
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