www.planetout.com/news/feature.html?sernum=840
TORONTO, CANADA, APRIL 1, 2004: In a surprise ceremony officiated by Gen. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney were married today, in a ceremony which, though conducted in top secret at the first rosy-fingered blush of Canadian dawn, is nonetheless sure be the oath heard round the world. The top executives ex-wives, triumphantly flourishing freshly signed divorce papers at a White House press conference this morning, announced the prez and vice prezs union. Theyve been inseparable since the Bush Administrations unstoppable rise to power - wed even taken to referring to them as the PVP, laughed the former Mrs. At first I thought it was just a fling born of long hours and late nights spent working side by side. But after a while, we realized they had fallen madly in love - and Lynn and I would be the last to stand in the way of those who find true love in this life from committing themselves to one another in the fundamental social act of marriage.
Several key insiders knew of the Bush-Cheney Foreign Matrimonial Arrangement as it was referred to by those in the know - including witnesses Secretary of Defense Condoleeza Rice, actor/wrestler/Republican keynote speaker The Rock and caterer Phyllis Schafly. In fact, a main reason the White House has been so reluctant to have Condoleeza Rice testify to the 9/11 panel this week, according to sources, was the fear she might have spilled the beans about the elopement. You know women, they may cry at weddings - but they scream at engagements! The last thing we needed was to register 310 million gifts at Target in order for the American people to appropriately support this fairy-tale union of royal houses and deploy exquisite Michael Graves flatware and Issey Miyake goblets in serf-like celebration. Not to mention all the E-vites wed have to pick generic backgrounds for. Fear of Rices forthcoming testimony may have prompted the couple to elope early this morning. Bush then issued instructions to the pilot to head for Toronto, which he first mistakenly identified as south of the border near my alma mater, Yale. Hes the president, hes holding a briefcase full of nuclear deployment devices in one hand and the vice presidents hand at the same time. All I could think of was the way that flight suit he wore on the deck of that aircraft carrier accentuated his manhood - how could we have been so hogswoggled! Frankly, Timmy and I thought one of the evil axum had pressed the button and launched some sort of queer bomb, stated one military flight attendant.
Other sources assert that the elopement was due solely to true love. They were going to wait for Massachusetts in May, but Dick had turned blue from holding his breath about the whole thing. He had actually suffered from a series of disabling tizzies last year due to Dubyas occasional cold feet about the whole thing. His medical chart actually read major hissy fit brought on by sudden attack of jitters, reported the White House intern who was charged with organizing the last-minute ceremony. I tell you one thing, finding two grooms to top that cake with half an hour, tops, to go before the president was airborne was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in this job. If you look closely at photos of the wedding cake, youll see that the topper is actually chocolate Franklin Pierce and nougat William McKinley. I found them in a secret freezer in the Oval can marked Property of Bill Clinton.
Its gorgeous this time of year, and, lets face it, with our post-boom economy, every tourist dollar counts. However, he continued, Im relieved to know the good fight is finally over. Now I can go back to my heterosexual relationship with my gorgeous TV-star wife. Congressman Barney Frank also went on record opposing the union, stating that the heads of states giant leap forward for GLBT rights isnt going to do ANYTHING for the great state of Massachusetts! The honeymoon will take place in an undisclosed location, presumed to be a boy-filled YMCA in Vallarta. A special spread of exclusive photos of the executive union are scheduled to be published in Peoples upcoming June Brides!
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