www.theonion.com -> www.theonion.com/
New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly WASHINGTON, DCIn the latest round of political mudslinging, both John Kerrys and George W. Bushs election committees have replaced ads that focus on their opponents shortcomings with ads that personally insult the voting public. Friend Buys Computer Just Like That KANSAS CITY, MOAccount executive Jeremy Trask, 33, entered a local Best Buy Sunday, shopped for approximately 20 minutes, and bought a brand-new laptop computer right off the shelf, like it was a bag of pretzels, Trasks friend Paul Cheng said Monday. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant of God and the Catholic Church, he has become tired of the same old church scene.
Study: Owning A Boat Not Worth It YONKERS, NYAccording to a study published in the April issue of Boating Magazine , owning a boat is not even close to worth it. Our study proved conclusively that boat-ownership is primarily an inconvenience and a monetary black hole, editor Roger Bernbaum said. We found little to no reason to keep that thing sitting in a shed all winter just so you can tow it to the lake and pay outrageous docking fees three weekends a year. Itd be much more cost-efficient to don a yachting cap and hang out at the dockhouse. The May issue of Boating promises to explore the financial viability of seaside vacation homes. What Grieving Widow Needs Is A Day At The Spa PACIFIC PALISADES, CANow that her husband Harvey has been laid to rest and all the visiting relatives have left, what grieving widow Judith Blauser, 46, really needs is a day at the spa, friend Carrie Thomas reported Tuesday.
I know that seeing poor Harvey there in the casket reminded me how long its been since I treated myself to a full-body seaweed wrap. Thomas suggested that Blauser fly to Palm Desert for a volcanic sand bath immediately following the reading of the will. Man Nods His Way To The Top BOSTONUsing his unparalleled ability to nod after his superiors speak, Thomas J. Mieritz, 39, rose to the level of vice-president at Fidelity Investments Monday. I knew Mieritz was the man for the job the instant I started talking. He was ready to get on board with every one of my proposed mutual-fund investment initiatives, Fidelity chairman Edward C. I thought, Now, theres a man who makes smart decisions without a lot of hullabaloo. Johnson added that, if Mieritz can master boot-licking, buck-passing, and myopic self-satisfaction, hell probably run the company one day. Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay ALBANY, CAApplying tape to the last package in a 12-item round of eBay sales, Brandon Vye scanned his bedroom for anything else he could auction off online.
After listing a misshapen clay bowl he made in a high-school ceramics class, Vye decided to head out to the yard to search for eBay-able stuff there. Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In News Of The Weird Section LUSAKA, ZAMBIAZambian president HE Levy P. Mwanawasa publicly chastised Reuters and 10 other news organizations Monday for featuring Zambia in their news of the weird sections. Zambia has a rich cultural history well beyond the man who can swallow razor blades, Mwanawasa said. Either feature something about Zambia besides dodecatuplets, or dont feature Zambia at all. Interestingly, in addition to being the Zambian leader, Mwanawasa is also the proud owner of the worlds longest soda-can pull-tab chain.
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